Sociopath Damage they can do.

The damage  Sociopath behavior has done to me and my family.

Having a baby;

One time my older sister got pregnant, when this happened, surprise I found out I was pregnant, this didn't go over very well. My younger sister was the first person I told, my younger sisters told me whatever you do, do  not tell our older sister, wait until she has her baby, she will be very  upset. I couldn't tell her; who does this?  how could it be that me being pregnant can affect this other person? I never did tell her until after she had her baby. But she didn't talk to me for a long time.I thought for sure she was going to back out on helping us move to our new home, after this. But she did since it was planed before. But there is not one photo of my older sister with my youngest child before age one. Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago and I now know my oldest sister was not alone my younger sister and everyone I have ever loved new this secrete. But me of chores.

Buying a home;

Our family was getting big, we owned a bungalow at the time we had three children a mom and a dad a dog and a bird and we felt it was time to move into a larger home. We found a home that was larger. It was a three-bedroom plus,floor level back split home, a dining room, a large kitchen, a den a playroom and a large lot. Pretty much everyone's dream right? When we moved in my older sister wouldn't talk to me. I can't understand why. I called my younger sister, I talked her almost every night I cried to her almost every night I couldn't understand. Why, why is my older sister doing this I would ask over and over again. My younger sister replied, well you bought her house, this was her dream house, how could you, did you do it on purpose why would you do this to her. I didn't buy my house to hurt anyone, I bought my house because my family was growing, I wanted a larger home. I wanted a home where we didn't have to move for a long time, nothing more than that, I do not have malice in in my heart, "what you see, is what you get." no more , no less.
Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago now I know my whole family did this to me. I believe the pain I use to suffer was a trauma, sad to think a secrete could do so much harm. 

Weddings;

Now I noticed a lot of times when there was weddings a lot of people would not invite my family and I. I couldn't understand why, they would invite everybody in my family everyone, not just to their wedding but to the hall. For the life of me I couldn't understand this, especially one time, when my mom and I live together there was one sister my mom seen quite a bit, this sister she had a daughter, now I used to wake this little girl up and walk her to school. I would feed her and dress her and take her to the movies, I would do lots of things for this little girl. Everyone was invited to her wedding even my brother, whom she didn't even know really. But we were not, why? I think I know why now, my older sister has been telling people stories about me all untrue ( sociopaths behavior)I have never spoken one bad word about any of them. I see now she didn't want me to be in their lives it was them my older sister and Mr. Reg that told me it was "This Family members mother" that put my mother's killer away , her testimony. Everyone kept telling us we were invited to the reception so we went, when we got there in front of everybody we were kicked out. Mr. Reg and wife, older sister, younger sister and all their children sat there as we were being kicked out. My older sister called me the next day, she said this was my aunt Ann doing this. I don't think she likes you Judy. I see now it was my older sister anytime she had anything to do with anyone's plans, weddings birthdays, dinners if older sister was running it or in it, I wasn't allowed to be there. I see now Mr. Reg was not my biggest problem I see now it was my older sister. She was taught by the best her father. Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago and I see my younger sister and everyone new my trauma, their secrete, my pain, migraines, swelling, it is hard to believe with someone's bullying you can do so much harm. Lies it is always best to speak the truth. My sister- in-law to whom I respect very much just recently told me it was a promise everyone was to keep secrete. "Everyone knew." everyone but me. I guess you could say she freed me.

Aunt D;

My aunt was getting very ill, this was the aunt that was married to my uncle dad, we went to visit her one day, her daughter's son was having a baby, and she was throwing a shower. Now I know she was not all together there at the time, she was having mind problems. But she is not crazy! Nevertheless she had said to me that one of you girls are not your father's biological daughters. Now I would have ignored this and moved along my way, but I think for the first time in my life I really listen to her words not because it was the first time I ever heard this, it was because my aunt Ann, once told me to go ask your uncle Bxb and his wife they know who is not the biological daughter. At this point while in the car I remembered what Mr Dad told me at age 12 years old. When returning to the car, I told my older sister my memories, What a mistake that was.I see now this was the biggest and the worst thing I could have ever done. I trusted her, I loved her.

This is when my older sister said no Jud I don't think it's you I think it's our younger sister, but I don't think we should tell her. I don't think it would be good. I didn't believe what my older sister said that day, but I just didn't say anything. I figured if she didn't want my younger sister to know that was fine since I didn't believe it was her anyway. I figured it out that day, that I was not Mr. dad's biological daughter. Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago joke is on me, my younger sister was playing me also. Guess you would say my life was a game to them. They all knew but me for all those years. I feel like I have just woken up from a bad dream.

Whispers;

·         After this took place, straighten above, my older sister would call me up and whisper in my ear, so Jud what do you feel about our younger sister only being our half-sister? My reply doesn't matter to me, I love her. To me I loved them, all of them. Never would say bad about them once upon a time ago. Almost every time she called, she would say this to me. What was she trying to prove? I believe she knew. NO I know she knew. She told me once she knew a secrets, but she swore she would never tell. When Mr Dad told me again. That I was not of his DNA. First thing my older sister said to me,Jud, we did this because we know how important family is to you. Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago can you imagine looking back at your life only to see what you were living was a lie, and everyone you ever loved was playing you?

Visit to younger sister’s house;

One time when I went to visit my younger sister we were drinking, at this time my younger sister looked at me and said; all I can say is thank God he is not of my blood, thank God there is no DNA attached to him and I. Now I could've jumped up and said, why would you say such a thing? But I didn't think this would be the right time or place since we had been drinking. But I see how my older sister asked me not to say anything to my younger sister but "she told her." But this doesn't seem to bother my sisters today she says we are all of his. But yet Dxbbxx my cousin told me my youngest sister called her a little over two years ago crying to her about the same thing.  But as you all know I have done my homework and I have found out I am not his daughter. I am not trying to hurt these people, I am just trying to find out who I am, as any person would. This is why people that are adopted go and look. I never realized this until now but you really do need to know who your parents are, there something inside you that draws you to it, that will not let you sleep at night until you find out the truth. Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago do you see what I mean when I say sociopath behavior? My younger sister knew. All that time they were playing me, like I was a toy. I remember one of the the last words she ever spook to me was to stop trying to steel her life. Only to find out she too knew THE SECRETE. It is like I really was a toy.

Whispers;

My older sister used to whisper in my ear while on the phone, aren't you glad we are Mr. dad's daughters and not uncle dad's daughter? Don't you think he is so much better looking? Don't you think at least he wasn't lazy like his brother? Do you ever talk to his daughter? She would ask me. Why did she ask me this over and over again? It was almost as if she was making fun of me, toying with me because she knew, why do I believe she knew, why do I believe my older sister knew, I can tell you why because I have had the last 30 years of whispers about my uncle dad and his family. When all this took place, this is when; my daughter went missing, this is when  things started to add up for me. Like

• ·         why was my sister asked me if I ever spoke to my cousin Debbxx? I think it's because, it was my older sister who convinced Debbxx if not Debbxx she convinced my younger sister to convinced Debbxx that my aunts  husband was poisoning her. Why do I think this? My older sister whispered in my ear once , I think it's so unfair that Mr. dad is alone and Dxreen has someone. I think  my older sister was whispering this in my ear, asked me if I spoke with my cousin because she was up to something, there is no doubt in my mind now, just  I'm not as clever as her so I'm not totally sure of what went down but I do know one thing, my older sister is behind it. Look she wanted me out. And what she says she gets.

• ·         I was told one thing to watch out for, I was told Mr. dad and older sister are a team, they go after the weak, they go after the old. Now I see this is true, I see how they took grandma's money, my stepmother's mother's money, everyone says to me to move on. I'm not the first person they've turned a  child against their parents, this is been going on for a long time, I guess it started with me. When I was born they seen the power they had over my mother, I guess this made Mr. dad feel good and now I see it made my older sister feel good too. And then after me it was Sherry ,Debbxx, Sheila, Gregory, Tom, and so many more now it's my baby, guess it's my turn.They are like a cult and even though my daughter is 18 years old now she left at 16 why because she could, why because they said it's okay and at the same time they badmouthed her mother so much, when we went to counseling my daughter and I, there was so many things she said about me that were not of her tongue but if theirs.

• ·         Now I have been told, once my aunt went into the hospital, her husband left her and why wouldn't he after all he was just accused of poisoning her, which I knew in my heart and soul was not so,  why do I believe this? My older sister's whispers. I can't help but feel now, my aunts sibling tells me there is money missing that my aunt's ex-husband left and took all the money. I wonder if they've even asked him if he did take the money!" for some odd reason I can't help but be suspicious" when going to the hospital to visit my aunt, during my visit my aunt told me that the only person she trusted in this world was my older sister. I could see my older sister taking that money and telling my aunt she will give it back. Is this the suspicion versus reality? 2013 The money suspiciously appeared after I posted this. 

• ·         one time I was invited to go to a girls week and with one of my most favorite people in the world, and it was Mxnxca. Mxnxca allowed me to be a part of her children she showed me how to be a real parent I looked up to her in many ways. But I knew I couldn't go because my older sister would be going too.

• ·         There were many times I wanted to go to Mxnxca and tell her about the abuse that I was getting, but I'm just not that kind of person. And one time my older sister told me Mxnxca had come from an abusive home and was beaten very badly as a young girl. My older sister told me not to talk about abuse around her because it affected her very deeply and it wouldn't be good for her or me. Is this true?

• ·         One time my cousin came over with some disturbing news and was very upset, I don't want to get into this too much because this person asked me not to, but the letter was very upsetting and due to the nature of this letter, this person lost a sister, he lost his mother, where did the info come from who would have done this to him, I don't think it was to him, it was to them. My older sister did not just want to break me up, kick me out, she wanted to hurt me. She wanted to hurt them, she was just as pissed off at them as as she was with me. All she went on and on and on about all the time to me with her whispers on my phone was them. This is her doing. But you know what I have tried to talk to people, I have tried to tell people, but I see now they're much bigger than I am. I only have this little voice and I see now they will just all believe I have a vendetta.or how about this one, but I've heard from many people what they are saying about me Jud's gone crazy. In Darn right I have a vendetta but I would never ever lie,and I am far from crazy. Mind you with everything that's been going on in my life sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy,  this is so bizarre right?. I am not like them. I believe in truth, I believe in family, I believe in unity this is the act of my older sister. It has her name written all over it

• ·         I have received over 100 letters, e-mails messages from them, nasty one's, since the on-set of my daughter leaving two years ago at 16 years old from these people. What adult encourages a sixteen year old to move in with a twenty two year old?  telling me how bad I am, and what did you do Jud? trying to  blackmail me with photos trying to break up my husband and I, trying to tell me to take it and shut up or else."We can make your life very bad!" Accusing my husband of things he hasn't even done,not that they don't deserve anything done to them. We just know better. And yes they can and they have made my life very hard I'm having to erase things they've gone around and said about me. Turning my name to mud to those I loved or had any relationship with. Will I be able to fix my daughter?  one thing they don't have, that I have, is truth, is memories. I pray she will come back. 2013 My daughter returned home at eighteen. I think it is very important for a teen to be encouraged to live at home. There is so many things a parent still must teach, values are made at this age. Unless you know for sure that teen really needs you. That they are not running from a good home. Don't cross that line of trust. They need roles, and the love of a parent. To break the love of a family only brings loss.  

• ·         They have turned my daughter against me, they have told her things about her mother no child should hear. They have told her I was a thief, they told her I am a liar, they told her I was a prostitute they told her I got children high while growing up as a teenager what ever they could tell her to turn her against her mother, they did this. Just like they did it to me years ago with my mother. I don't know if my daughter will ever respect me again, why? Because my older sister says so.  2013 They all knew

• ·         One time there was a Christmas gathering it was at a hall that my sister-in-law knew of, when arriving  all the names were already placed on the table which was okay no big deal right. Well I didn't realize until it was time to leave and we got into the car and one of my daughters looked up and asked me a question. Mommy why is it everyone in our family was sitting at one end of table but you and us other than her older sister were all sitting with your uncle side? My reply, probably because we were so close to them. Asking my older sister later on, her reply I placed everybody with their family, I guess she was trying to tell me then that my real family was my cousins. My girls see this now maybe one day their older sister will to. With the help of God, or the help of extended family.

• ·         I am told I am going through post traumatic stress disorder. When this all began one thing they told my husband, one thing they told my daughter that left, JZ makes up stories and starts believing in them, guess they knew I was coming out of shock, the shock they put me in.

• ·         You're probably asking well why did you put up with these people for all these years. It's not that easy and they are very sly very cunning, it's not straightforward just when you think everything is going okay it seemed to be where you are back at the beginning.

• ·         I love my cousin and I think these people should be warned to be careful, my councilor told me I should warn everyone about my older sister so here I am. My older sister's intentions within this subject is malice and they have to watch their backs. I understand they don't want to give me the DNA but maybe one day with the grace of God and once all of this pain is gone because really if you think about it, it's not such a bad thing that happening to me. Things like this happen all the time now a days, I know the time that my mother did this it was painful. I know this was a secret that was to be taken to the grave, but it's out of the bag,Who cares move on we are family. You have a half sister, I have more half sibling, makes me feel okay.One day through them or some way or somehow I will get the DNA I need to feel full, to feel truth once again.

·         If they ever read this blog I want them to know I will not use the DNA against them, I will keep it silent I will keep it quiet, I just need to know for me just like an adopted person goes to look. I just want to feel whole, don't you understand?  Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago ; by the time you notice someone is a sociopath  the damage is already done. You have to pick up the peaces and try with all you heart and soul to move on.

 

My Step Moms memories, last days, last breath

• My stepmother died, when she died everybody was invited to  the hospital, they were invited to the hospital so that they could explain to them what Freeport hospital was all about,  what hospice was about. I was not invited. It saddens me to believe that this could actually really honestly happened to me. The last two weeks of my  stepmother life my older sister was not around, my younger sister lived out of town, my stepsister lived in Florida and was not in town, and my brother had no communication with these people any longer. Now I would like everybody to know I was not in that meeting to explain what was going to happen at Freeport Hospital ( They did their job, and in no way knew what I am about to say). I guess now looking back I see I was what  you call ; the fall guy. The morning my stepmother went to Freeport,hospital, my niece called me and told me my stepmother was calling for me, I then told my niece it would be best to call the, ambulance, I know they wanted me to go pick her up and carry her into my vehicle so they could save the money on the ambulance, but there is 'no way' I would ever agree to that. When I arrived later to Freeport the doctor asked me; shall we give her the injection? Then my stepmother asked me if she would wake up to see her daughter who was coming in from Florida later that day? I look to the doctor, I look to Mr. dad who was sitting in the corner of the room, if indeed my stepmother would wake up? The doctor said yes, my stepmother never did, she never did get to see her daughter that day, that was her last wish. When her  daughter arrived she was very upset to see her mother lying there half dead. Pretty much gone, no response at all.  We went to talk to the doctor and ask him if she would wake up, the Dr. sat down and said everybody in the meeting was told what was going to happen. This is when I let them know 'I was not in that room,'' this is when the doctor said to me and to my stepsister, I was told every single person was in that room the only family member that was not present was her daughter that lived in Florida, was his son no longer had anything to do with them, all other siblings were present. Guess they were trying to tell me then and there I was not family. I babysat Andrew that day and my younger sister didn't even tell me what they had planned for me to do. I now believe they never did tell Bxrb she was dying in fear she would tell me I was not Mr. dad's biological daughter. This is something I will have to live with the rest of my life. This is what these people did to me. I have called for help, and no one listened, they didn't listen to me when I was a kid, when I was being beaten and battered and made fun of, most of my life, they didn't listen to me, when I was a teenager, or when I charged the man that took my mother's life. Instead my older sister told everyone of my nieces I charged my mother. She also told my daughter the same thing and now my daughter's gone, missing and my family is broken, our hearts are broken this did not just happen to me, this happened to our family. This is the damage a sociopath can do.This happened to the little girls I thought they loved.I hope this does not put my girls in shock, like it did me years ago.I have gotten my daughters into counseling because of fear of this happening to them.

I confronted my stepsister with this information, her reply move on I did, Xandy did, don't you get it,  you’re not part of our family. To them blood is thicker than water.I'm water. Behind stepsisters back she's water too.Were they waiting for Bxrb to die? Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago Step mother knew too , what a fool I was. Everyone thought I was a game.

Dragon Speech Recognition Software

After my Carpal tunnel surgery  

I needed Dragon Speech Recognition Software

I just thought I would write a little note and let my readers know why it is I haven't been online for a little while. I have not forgotten about you. I have recently had a procedure done which is called carpal tunnel surgery my recovery.That is my hand above. Now having carpal tunnel I've noticed I'm not able to use my hand, I am not able to use my computer as much as I would like to.I need my computer. Therefore I decided to go out and get Dragon speak recognition software, this has saved me in many ways because now I can still do my business, I am a business owner operator. I m a web designer, and I am always on the computer working. So with this in mind I would like to let my readers know I will be back I just need a bit of a break from everyday life.

But I can still be back, if I really need to with my trusted friend Dragon natural speaking, speech recognition software.
Am I right? If you are out of commission, if you are unable to type, if you are wanting online or to write a letter you cannot for some reason, your hand is too shaky, maybe you just need someone to type for you but you are finding you want some privacy, with Dragon speech recognition software  you do not need to rely on anyone anymore. I believe it to be well worth the money.

I would also like my readers to know that with dragon software you can use it in Microsoft, you can use it in gmail accounts, you can use it on blogger, you can use it in web design software's.

I can use it whenever I can't use my hands, like now. I have always wanted to dictate, I feel I can speak my thoughts so much faster than what  I can type them. With Dragon  I have the freedom to do just that. I have dictated this to you with Dragon.

Kids don't tell

As the Children Cry

To see what they did to my Mom
Look no further than what they are doing to family's
Isolation killed my Mom, it will not kill us
for we are strong, the curtain is drawn
I hold the Key
Not one person would get on the phone with My Mom
Not one, Now it is happening to me
It is more than me, don't you see
There are family's of young hearts
I remember the tears " I saw "
The pain from within
the hour glass ticking
She died way before she ever left us
Her word appear
One day you will see him as I do,
and when you do you will see it was him and not I.
Louder and Louder...the words appear
 I hear and I see, so do the little eyes
Once loved by you...
I see your phones are broken, sorry to hear
History has replayed itself
Don't you see
her word are clear
Your actions have helped me see.
The pain and sorrow once
hidden within.
Abuse is wrong
I am making a stand.
I speak for MY Mom
She, Me and our children
were fighting for something we never had...
May the rain wash all the
pains from yesterday.
As the children cry
As the children sleep.

By jz

Face Down

When are our words going to be heard, laughter not pain, good not bad, happy not sad, love not hate, friendship not bully's

If I could give any girl/women, out there in our big world any advice it would be, if a man or a person rather, hits you once, it will never stop. Life is to short find someone that you like. Do you like the fact of being beaten? I don't think so. No one want to hurt. Life is not about making up, it is about having fun, growing, laughing. No one has the right to hit anyone, that is why we call them Bully's.

When looking into my past, I asked many people on my journey to finding the truth, A few  people I questioned, if they knew of the abuse in our house from many years ago? When they replied, yes jz I seen that man almost leave your "Mom to Dead!" I was shocked of what I was hearing because when I was asking the question, I meant the abuse towards me. I now do have flash backs of that man abusing our Mom. I remember the yelling and screaming, the broken arms and the black eyes. And the words  ring in my ears now, Your Mom liked to be beaten! Who likes to be beaten? Who? There is Help out there. PLEASE do not be my Mom, do not let someone end your life. There is someone that will miss you. I promise. I sit here today having to write down her memories in hope someone will listen, Maybe the pain she endured will help someone, maybe save a life. I miss her so much and I now feel the pain she endured.

A story of a women caught on tape.

I see how our father turned his kids away from their own Mom,

They were not there to hear their own Mothers side.

Only his.

I remember the day my Mom died,

She called "ME"

Word Mr Dad said to me the day he drove me to work.

A key to why I went into trauma, to what I believe is a BIG key.

KIDS DON'T TELL

It is a secret

HELP!

Names Can Scare

Don't always believe what you hear
Memories like apples falling on my head! screaming wake up.

Something inside me died, now this is what I get...

Sorry thing are not in the order they happened in my life, but I am just writing things as they pop into my head. 

Let me tell you they are coming even fasted now. 

Just because someone calls you GREEDY does not mean you are;

Having a baby

My family called me greedy ever since I can remember and I don’t know why I believed them. I'm not.

I never really let our children sleep at anyone’s house, they called this greedy, and I called it protecting my children. Why? Why did I not allow them to sleep over at people’s homes?  Was it because of my life? I think so now. I didn’t trust them. I truly think something inside me knew.

One time I allowed my older sister to watch my oldest daughter, she was around 3 years old at the time, I was going to the hospital to have my second child. When I had our second child I just wanted to see my oldest daughter I missed her so, so, much, like I said I never went a night without her by my side. When calling my older sister for her to bring my daughter up to the hospital, her reply. No I don’t have the time today, maybe tomorrow. I wanted my oldest daughter to see her new sister, I wanted to see her and I got a NO. I would never do this to anyone. My husband work the oddest of hours at the time. I called my youngest sister, she brought my daughter to see her new baby sister and me. I do believe she loved me, but now years later 2013 I see she to had malis in her heart.

The second time I allowed my older sister to watch my daughter, I can’t say why but, my daughter was 4 yrs old at the time, When I went to pick her up, my 4year old daughter looked up to me and from the back seat of our car and said; Mommy aunt older sister told me you are really dumb, and you have no education. She said you didn’t even go to college, she said you like to tell story. Why did I not see? or not confront my sister? my nightmare could have been done years ago. Why did I wand this off? Why would my own sister's want to hurt me so much? Was I blind or dumb?

Third and last time I allowed my older sister to watch my oldest at age five and my middle child was about one and a half. When arriving to pick them up, my girls wanted to leave right away. This was strange because they really liked their Aunt. Why not, she is so candy coated who wouldn’t? I own a business and I know I came late to pick up our girls; it was around 9:30 pm. The girl ran to the car, my oldest sister turned to me and said they might be hungry, I didn’t feed them, they didn’t like what we had to make. This did not sound like our girls at all, they pretty much eat anything. When returning to my car, my oldest daughter looked up to me and said,  we are ever hungry. I asked my daughter why they did not eat what their Aunt offered. My babies reply; she made us sit in the front room while they ate. At that time I told my daughter what her Aunt had said to me prier , my daughters reply; no that is so untrue Mommy, they were having cheese macaroni and fish sticks, my favorite. How sad is that. I would never do this to her children I treated them with love. Will these memories ever pop back into the child I lost? Will I ever see her again? I lost my daughter to hate, my older sisters hate. Why? because my older said so.

After that I never left my girl alone with my older sister, ever. This has been going on forever; my girls tell me more and more each day the stories of what my older sister has been telling them about me, their Mommy behind my back for years. They didn’t tell then, but they do now.

 I know it was not just me my older sister did this too. I see with my own eyes how she through my youngest sisters daughter across the room, she did not think anyone was watching! I was, One time I seen her hit the girl down the street, that she babysat,I even seen her hit my cousins son she baby sat. Wonder what Aunt Ann would say about that?  Kids don't tell.

Her other daughter has kids of her own now, and last time I saw them I seen my older sister smack her son in the head!!!!, I seen her husband smack his grandson, heck I seen how they allowed their 12year old to smack her nephew. Hitting is not the way.  Kids don't tell, it is time to wake up your young voices don't be me, Please go tell someone, someone you trust.

One time I was watching older sister's 3 year old daughter. I had no children at the time. Her daughter accidentally split some milk on my carpet, I seen this little girl run behind my sofa chair in fear. It was so sad to see; I hugged her and told her it was okay, everyone has accidents. Even me. That is why there is such a word as accident.

You know everyone knows this of my older sister and they and we all just turn and looked the other way. My younger sister had her son, the same time as my older sister’s daughter had her son. I don’t think there was ever one good word about my youngest sister’s son, at three years old my sister called him a fag, who does that? My daughters have told me how they seen older sisters daughter at 11-12 year old even hit my youngest sisters little boy, and I have been told even my older sister has hit younger sisters son,and my step sisters daughter. You would think my youngest sister would know better, she has called me time and time again through out the years, telling me how our older sister is trying to show her up,as a Mother always going that one extra step, bigger gift then what she could afford, to give her daughter and more. She seen how they treated her daughter, giving her less food at the dinner table,telling her she had to wait to see if their kids wanted it first, hitting her , calling her names, or things like singing you are on the welfare you can't have a ice cream because you are on the welfare, she was less to them that is for sure. No one cared. I did. I treated my younger sister’s daughter with love and equal. By the way, I bought my niece an ice cream that day. And I told them it was not funny. I am sure if my youngest sister was there at the time, I am sure she would have bought her daughter the ice cream... I told my youngest sisters things I seen them do to her daughter, or thing they did to her son.

It was my youngest sister that warned me of what was going to happen to me. Her word, jz you better go see our older sister, she is getting mad, she does not know why you can come to visit me, when I live one and a half hour away, but you don’t visit her 10 min away. I did go to visit my older sister, she was just never there then we got there. But I too, was also trying to avoid her, things were just getting out of hand with her. I was noticing if I told her something, the next time I heard the story it was never the same.

 Example: One time I told my older sister, how my Mom said she believed the basket that gets passed around at the church to collect money should also be given to the people in need, at the church, she said there were many starving children right in our own back yard. My sister told her children, and my children I stole from the church, whenever the basket went around instead of giving money we took money.

I think I can now even remember what triggered this explosion in my life. My older sister, my youngest sister and I went to a U2 concert, when we were there my youngest sister and I were  in front of my older sister walking, My youngest sister look to me and said, let be best friend always. Older sisters hate exploded, and I lose everything. Why because oldest sister says so.

Jz inside TIPS

• Do not always believe what someone says about someone to you.

• Make your own judgment on that person, someone is telling you about. 

• Ask yourself; how are they with you?

You do not have to do it alone, there is help, all you have to do is care, care about you! 

Here I am in the year 2013 reviewing what I wrote years ago my younger sister was playing me, everyone was promised not to tell me I was not his daughter, I feel so violated. When this all started I was confused, I didn't know what was happening to me. I couldn't understand why my mind had forgotten,so I seek help. This is when the counselor prepared me with thing that might be returning to my memories slowly, she also said; in most families everyone knows you are not his child, in most cases like this (I would be the last to know) That is why it was easy for them to play me, they were all doing it together.  Just like when I was a child. Did I mean that little. Wait til they find out everything I found out about me. Who and what their father did to them! 

Bully wareness

STICKS AND STONES LEAVE SCARES

NAME LEAVE SCARES TOO, 

LETS MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I had to share this, It pains me to see, how our world is allowing, this pain to still happen.

I thought we have evolved.
I am getting messages of people bullying,
at schools, at work places, text messaging, e mails and more.
I lost my family via e mails.
We all cry, laugh, bleed and feel.

Look around people, we are all just trying to live our happy little lives

Why can't you stop to think,what if it were you!
Being called these bad words all your life?
What if it were you?
The tears start to fall.

I would love to share these words
To Alye, and all the people out there that are being bullied with
NAMES that last a life time

I couldn't stop crying, my heart bleeds for you.

I wish I could take all your pain away.
I wish when someone calls you names, you could  hear the thoughts in your heart,
You are bigger then them

I know how you feel, you see it happened to me.

I would like you to do me a favor Alye

When you go to the mirror, Say to it each day...

Oh lord it is hard it be humble

When you are perfect in every way

I look in the mirror each morning and

get better looking each day

To know me is to love me

I must be one heck of a Gal

Oh lord it is hard to be humble

When you are perfect in every way.

After all, are we not all, "perfect" in one way or another?

Feed your brain; speak to it with your heart!
I see your heart truly has something good to say.

Wash away the bad words these bullies have subjected you to.

We are all like computers, we are only what we feed our brain.

You are worth it. We are all worth it,
wash it all away.

Stand tall we are the survivors.

Lets show them, how tall we are.

Ask yourself.

What is wrong with them?

After all, there truly must be something wrong with them,

"Do you think a normal person wakes up"

And says; I think I am going to go bully, what’s her face today?
And then does it!

Feel sorry for them.

Looks like to me, you truly are the bigger person.

"Feelings" to "ME"
is the bigger person.

Say it out load!

Everybody want to be me, I am the person to be.

Say this out load love.Wash away the pain within.
By jz

Brain Test

Here is some fun for your brain.

I know my brain is needing some fun...

Left - Right Conflict

Did you have some difficulty?

Here's why. 

The right side of the brain tries to say the color

but the left side of your brain 

insists on reading the word

 

Improve your Brain Health

 

  

So what do you make of this?

The other day a partridge came to my home. The night before this bird came to my house, I was questioning life. I was wondering why now? Why like this? If all this bad happens to our world how can there be a higher being that gives a damn.
I lost my family to abuse, to online bullying, to technology, and yes I know that is life. But do we have to loose so much. Can we just enjoy? instead of all this hate. Just because you can, does not mean you should. I think this world has lost the meaning of family. And Living. Not one person would even get on a phone, just hateful words between email. Emotion is important.
Now I have been told to see the light you have to go through pain. My journey has been rough and very painful, I know there is much pain out in our world.But how much truth can one endure?
Call me crazy but I think this bird is here for a reason.
She has been here now since April 11th,She runs from everyone in our home but me. So I looked it up on Wikipedia I found the Greek legend interesting.

Silent Bully

FLASH BACKS, Memories,

What to look for, do you believe someone is trying to hurt you?

Could be someone you love, could be someone you trust.

These are flash backs to my life, they might not be in order because my memories are coming little by little. I guess this is to protect me from this horror I called family.

Family and time moved on. My brother was married and out on his own living his life, My older sister was married and out living her life. I am going to begin at the time I was getting engaged to be married. 1983 I got married in April of 1984.

What is a sociopath person? 

Like apples on a tree, bang ,bang...hitting you as they fall

• When my Mom died the day of her funeral  my Uncle Gerald took me down the hall, said if things get bad here, I could  come live with them.

• When I became engaged my Mom sister Verna came out of hiding, yes hiding because no one ever seen her even to this day she keeps her where about' s a secrete. She came out of hiding to say. I know THAT MAN will not buy you a dress so I came to take you out to get your wedding dress, I know your Mom would want this. I think she was one of my Mothers sisters that truly loved her sister my Mom.

• Uncle Dad would ask me in "private" each time he seen me, if everything was alright? He would tell me how much he too missed my Mom and that he loved her. He asked me how things were going and that this is the best place for me, with my sibling he said.

• My Aunt Ann throw me a wedding shower, when it was time to leave, she looked to my older sister and myself and said, You know one of you girls are not your dad's biological daughters.When we got into the car my older sister assured me it was not me, you are dads favorite you know that. She said it was probably the joke everyone use to say, you know our younger sister was the "milk mans daughters."

• When I made up all my thank you card for all that time and work and gift people gave me for our wedding, my older sister was to come over and give me addresses for all these people,  but she came over and told me it was not necessary.I believed in her, after all she was my big sister.She seemed to know prodical more then I.

• I didn't get a wedding gift, from Mr Dad he was to buy the wine at our wedding, I paid for that.He married Bxrb three months later, I loaned him money for his wedding honeymoon, I didn't get that back.

• The gift I got from Uncle dad, my older sister told me it was cheap and I should throw it away, or not serve them to anyone that is for sure, It was a silver plated silverware set. I liked it.

• There was this time Margret a friend of the family came to town, she sat at our table, she pointed to my brother, older sister, then younger sister,  I understand why you are all here, BUT then as she pointing to me, and said, but for the life of me I don't understand why you are here.

When I confronted my older sister with this, years later she said Jz I think you are going crazy. Margret was never here. I went to my brother after this and I asked him in this way. Brother do you remember when Margret came to town, why was her husband Paul not with her? My brothers reply, Jz she came because Paul died and she was moving out West. I have spoken to her since and she has told me the truth of who I am as well. She is very much alive, and she has remarried and is happy. 

• My Aunt Margery is that one that told me on a regular basis, she called me all the time. She would always ask me so Jz how is Bxrb and Rxg, Never Dad and Bxrd not to me anyway, but if a sister or brother walked into the room, she would look up and ask; so how is your Dad and Bxrd?I always questioned this. On her death bed she looked to me and said, Jz listen, how is Rxg and Bxrb? My older sister walked into My Aunt Margery's room, My Aunt looked to me again and said Jz listen, Txmmy how is your Dad and Bxrd? If this is not telling I don't know what is.

• There was one time my older sister and I went to see Aunt Ann, at this time my sister had two children, I loved them so so much, When we were about to leave, once again Auntie Ann said, you do know one of you girls are not your father’s daughters, my older sister ran out the door to get her youngest daughter, from running on the road, or to put them in their car seats, something like that anyway... This time I looked to my Aunt and said, yah who? Her reply to me was go ask your Uncle Bxb and your Aunt Doreen. When returning to the car I told my older sister what Ann had said. her reply, she is talking about that little sister thing again. My Aunt Ann never really liked me after that? Hmmm I wonder why, what did I ever do to her. I liked her. What did Txmmy, Sxndra and Mr Rxg say to turn everyone away? Not one person I have ever loved, liked, been apart of their lives, shared with, laughed with, cried with, not one. Not one even gave me the chance to speak my side. You know you have been touched by evil when this happens. Don't get me wrong I still carry friends that I kept away from them, or they thought something was wrong with them. I did a lot of events at different times, to please those around me.

• When my so called dad told me for a second time in my life I was not his biological daughter, mind you he really didn't have to Txmmy pretty much told me with all her private phone calls anyway. Anyway I called this Aunt, crying, her reply to me was," I know who you are!" your older sister and your Mr dad already warned us of you. You had your chance with us and you blow it. Talk about no support! Who were these people to treat me so bad. I treated each and everyone of them all with the up most respect and love, for what? Family.

• Here's an apple on the head, one time my older sister ask me to go to a Halloween dance with her, she begged me. I couldn't go because My Uncle Dad and his wife were coming over for dinner. My sister kept on begging, please please there is a girl whom will be there from her work place that was giving my sister troubles, and she claimed this girl was hitting on her husband," Please" she kept saying. My heart is to big, I truly felt like she needed me. So I called up my Uncle Dad, told him we would have to make it a different day something important came up. I turned the roast off, and we my husband and I went to this dance with my sister. When we got to the dance, my sister was with this girl all night.Having FUN.

• My husband and I were married about four years at this point, and we were having problems having children,I ask my older sister to write a reference for me. When we went to talk to the agency they called us into a room, they said one of our references truly do not like you and gave you a bad reference. Now I only gave my older sister, and my lifelong friend as a reference. When confronting my sister with this info, her reply was, it must have been my long life friend. My reply No way! I know her and I know she would never do this to me. Than my older sister said to me, it must have been Aunt DXreen Uncle Dad’s wife. She was so pissed off at you jz, about that dinner, I could see her doing this to you. Plus she works for someone that works there. I could see her talking to them. So I went along my way? Why?

ADOPTION

• After all it was my older sister that told me how to prepare for the adoption agency. She told me her friend got a child by telling the truth. She had gone in there and told them how she was abused and they felt for her so much they gave her a child.  Naive as I am I listened. I trusted her, I loved her. I went in and I told them everything. They told me, I could not have a child do to a bad reference and do to all the abuse. I would most likely be an abuser. I hated what my parents did to me. I would never in a million years ever, ever do to another human what was done to me NOT EVER!

• I never put this together until just now. All gatherings at Mr. Dads and his new wife place I noticed all her family would be invited and they came, my mother’s side was invited too. BUT my Mr. Dads family was not why? Would this be a apple too?

• I babysat for my cousin/ half brother; whenever I had a gathering my sister would bring whomever she wanted. I asked for my niece/cousin to come to an event at their place, I received a call that said no I could not bring her. How sad is that. I had to tell my little Kxren she could not come. Why? It must have truly hurt my older sister to see me with them.

• One time we were invited to a gathering at my older sisters, I asked her what I should bring, No no jz she said, just bring your own food, and don’t worry about anyone other than your family. I met up with my cousin/half brother, I asked him to come along, he asked me what he should bring, just worry about your family that is what everyone is doing, I replied. So I thought. When we got there, there were loads of people. And not one of them brought food, my older sister supplied it all. We were the only ones that brought our own food. I was so embarrassed, I wonder if my cousin/half brother remembers this. 

How do you know if a person is a  sociopath person? 

How can someone have a relationship with this kind of person? 

Why is it they make you think you are the crazy one. 

When confronting my older sister with many of the thing she did to me and my younger sister, she would reply, 

"I don't remember" jz I think you are going crazy.

I was always called greedy and selfish

I called it more protective, why?

When I was little, things were taken from me and given to them.

What stands out in my mind most are these?

•  I remember one time my older sister borrowed my staple gun, I had an engraver at the time and I engrave initials on the side of it. I did loan it to her, I just never got it back, so one afternoon I went to see my sister, her husband was there working on the deck to their pool. This goes back some time. I asked him for my staple gun, His reply was it was not mine, they do not even have mine, they had their own. Then he proceeded to showed it to me. The initials I engraved were on the stapler. I said I put the initials there, we exchanged words and I left without a stapler. Now I know you are saying who cares they are cheap, right? Well I did care; I thought it was the principle of it. I would never do that to anyone.

• Or how about one time; I went to take some leftover turkey home after a gathering. My brother in-law my older sister’s husband, Ask me what I was doing? Told me I could not take any, I said I paid for it; he laughed and said yah, yah! If it was not for my step mom (to whom I see was really the one I went to visit and her mom they treated me the way people should) if it was not for her popping up on my behalf, I don’t know what I would have done. My heart melted, I supplied the turkey from time to time, I never ask any one for a dime. If they bought the turkey I gave $20.00 to my older sister, and I always supplied the potatoes.  Two Pies on occasion. “I bet I was the only one that paid.”

Sticks and Stones

• Do you remember earlier on in my story I told you my older sister had been telling people I was a prostitute. This would have been when I was 14 years old by the way. Well I just found out this story has been going on behind my back for all these years. Everybody for years and years and years and years I mean years, has seen me this way. Think about that everyone. Mother in-laws, Father In-laws my family, friends, everyone nieces nephews, how sad. When my daughter ran at 16yrs she said to me, I know who you really are! Who? I was so naive, I had no idea what she was even talking about, so I ask her, she shook her head and left. Little did I know she was been told this lie too, that my older sister made up years ago, just to hurt my Mom "her own Mom. Ashamed to add. Who would have figured this would be haunting me many years later. I always wondered why "some people husbands" always hit on me, and we know who that is, don’t we; I guess he figured, since I used to be a "prostitute" why not. I feel so dumb.

If I were to think with my heart it would have to say. Personally I don’t think anyone should even have to write shit like this down. Who does this to people they love? 

When I went to my family to help direct our teen daughter home. She moved in with a young niece that enjoys her alcohol. My family said to me." jz this is what family does."

My older sister called me up and said, how does it feel? One of the last things she said to me was; hope you can fix what you broke jz. Her words ring in my ears, I loved her. What is wrong with me?

Murder

Hey you Hollywood producers I have a story for you,

Move over Mommy Dearest I have a story to tell, and I want the whole world to hear my voice. I am not little, just short.

Please this is coming from someone that see's and feels the affects child abuse can have on your child, woman/ man,  I am someone it happen to. I am a Child Abused and hope to be a Adult Survivor. It could be someone you know. What if it was happening to you? It is a life lasting feeling, it does not go away. I have felt worthless or maybe not as smart for a long time, it took me many of years to see myself as beautiful. I think ever person should be a princess, or a prince at that matter. They made me feel worthless and dumb.

I have talked to many family members and friends of our family and neighbor we lived next to. They all said they knew about the abuse, they know my Mom was being abused and they knew I was being abused, but know one, not even one did anything about it, just turned off the lights and went on their way. STOP PLEASE if you know someone needs you don't turn off the lights, don't just shut the door, do something now before it is too late. PLEASE Abuse is a life long pain, even after you leave the abuser. Compassion  is all I ask, please let’s put a stop to mental abuse. I have a heart, I feel, the same blood that runs through me runs through you. Let’s stop the cries.

Child abuse is a sin, that leave scares forever. 

Think about that next time you raise your hand, 

The next time you call someone a name. 

Was I in shock? is there such a thing as shock for years and years? or would this be I believed the head games. I always knew what went on in that house many of years ago was wrong.

I see I am much different from you all.

I am proud to say I am a good Mom and I love my family too.

So after being there for a few weeks, my Mother got word I was living there. She called me up and asked me why I moved there. My reply was, where was I to go Mom?  What I don't understand is why is it I didn't see her question. Why didn't I question the fact that he told me he wasn't my biological father at 12 years old? The writing was on the wall I was being told everywhere. I remember one time when living there my older sister said to me, Judy do you know why dad lets you do whatever you want? My reply, no why. My older sister's reply, so you don't leave. Once again is this not telling me?

Another time Mr. Dad needed help with his work so he decided to let me have my boyfriend Mike moved in, now I want you to know here and now we did not sleep in the same room or the same bed. He had Mike moved in so that Mr. Dad didn't have to go off to work, Mike did all the work and he got free room and board. Now this was okay at the beginning because I liked Mike, and I felt I didn't belong  and we had been dating for over a year so I thought it would be good., But I was getting to the point where I wanted to break up with Mike. There were several times I did break up with Mike but he wouldn't leave, because my Mr. dad needed help.

Now I want you to know that my mother got word that Mike had been living with us. She called me up and asked me why do I have Mike living there? Don't you know that Mr Dad is just trying to keep you there? don't you know that he is just trying to hurt me. Now if this is not a Apple hitting me in the head to tell me, he is not my father I don't know what is. Why! why did I not hear.

Time moved on, mom and I still stayed in touch with each other. I worked at the key shop so I would call her when I went to work to make sure everything was okay with her.

There was one time when Uncle Bxb came over, when he came over he went onto the back patio he called me out, he asked me was everything okay? Do I feel comfortable and if anything was ever wrong to let him know. I thought he was being a concerned Uncle.  After all he came to see me when I lived with my Mom. 

As stated above I moved in with Mr. Dad around May one month before my 16th birthday. I was never really there I was the kind of teenager that was always gone from home. Between work, friends and boyfriend I really didn't have time to be sitting around at home. Plus as I told you above I really didn't feel comfortable I still felt like an outsider looking in.

So a year had passed, my mother and I were still staying in Touch, I really did want to move back with her but she was still with Fred and I hated him with a passion. Until this one winter's day my mother called me up, telling me Mike should leave. By this point in my life I agreed. But I couldn't he kept saying your father needs me as long as he needs me I stay.

My mother called me up one day, to be honest this would've been December 10, 1981 she kept telling me she told Fred she was leaving him, she told me she wanted to start a new life with me and her, we could start over. She told me that there was something about that man she had to tell me, I was old enough to know, She asked me to come because she told Fred she was going to leave him and had all of his bags packed, she asked me to come because she said she was afraid he was going to kill her. My reply to my mother was I had to go to work. I told her I would call work to see if I could have it off. Mr. Dad said that was a bad idea and I should go to work. So I told my mother that I would go to her home after I went to work, I only had a three hour shift so it meant I would be there for her. Mr. Dad drove me to work that day. All the way there he kept repeating over and over well it wouldn't surprise me if she got killed she such a slut, she such a drunk, she's the worst mother ever, look what she did to you, look at how she hated her own daughter.

I was about two hours into my job when two police officers came to where I work. I knew something was wrong my heart, I  felt my stomach I remember the words she said to me, I felt it was my fault, I felt why  wasn't I there, I should have been there, the words that she said rang in my ears for years. They still do even loader now. Even now as I'm writing this I can't help but feel the pain of the last words my Mom spoke to me. What a dirty trick the universe played on me.

 My Mom died that day, Dec 10 1981

 

After the police left, I asked Mr. Dad what my mother meant by, there is something about that man I must tell you, I was old enough to know. Mr. Dad just kept repeating I don't know what she's talking about. She must have been talking about Fred. Like BULLSHIT. 

Thought out loud.

I can't understand for the life of me why it is my mind block this, or made me not confront it, because deep down I have always remember the word Mr. Dad said to me at twelve. Who wouldn’t? I guess it must of been my older sister convincing line. ''BUT jz you have always been Dad's favorite," Mr. Dads that is. I only remember a couple stories about Mr. Dad; He would let me ruffle through his pant pockets, whatever money I found I could keep. He let me keep change a nickel here a dime there. One time I found $10.00 I told my girls this story, he let me have that ten dollars, This is the part I did not tell my girls, later that day my Mom made me give it back. I liked when he would say a cow was a sheep and cute things like that. Not much more than this as a kid anyway. I kept the abuse away from my girls, after all who wants the downer. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me or something like that. After all that was then, why see black when you have a world of colors.

Everybody was telling me, they were banging me over the head with it. Why was my mind refusing to confront them? Is it because my Mom kept saying you are definitely a Gxrton," I can promise you one thing Judy you are definitely a Gxrton." she would say. What a dirty trick to be playing with my head,  my kindness, for all these years when I know in my heart and in my soul, Mr. dad could have told me in a more loving way, I believe my older brother must of none, and could have told me, I know in my heart my older sister knew right from the beginning.. It was my older sister that did so much bad to me. 

One time there was this girl Jill Gxnther, she came up to me and told me your older sister is evil, there is something really wrong with her, she is not just a back stabber, or someone that goes around talking about you behind your back, She makes up story and turns everyone away from you with her made up lies. She twists everything you say. She strips you of your character.

I thought well lots of girls do this. But know not like this. Not like this girl. 

Several times by many people, family members, and friends of the family, they have told me your sister is like a candy coated pill! Not really knowing what they meant then, I do now, sweet on the outside, sour on the inside? Wow how true.

As this inside story continues you will see what I mean. 

There is such a thing as someone toying with you! This is just the beginning of my nightmare. 

Will I ever wake up?

Looking back, I wish I could have none, I wish that wall that  protection me was never there. I wish I didn't believe the people I loved, and still love, but hate. 

I do apologize if it takes me time to add a new post. To be honest this is very hard on me. I just know it is something I must do. jz less stress test, I do hope this works!   

Kids don't tell, and adults feel ashamed and embarrassed of you.

I found out I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What is this? Take a look at the link about PTSD if you are not sure. I did take a look and a read, I found out a lot about me. To know what you are facing helps. I am not ignorant to anything. If I need to know, if I am experiencing it or wanting to know something, anything I will learn. 

I guess this would be me; 

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event

• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
• Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
• Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma

Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

It just so unfair, I see now that I should have seek out for help back then, maybe this would not be going on today, thirty years late. Not a day, Not a week or a month, year this is years later. Its like I have been living in a bubble.

I went to a counselor this week, it was nice when I was there, I really opened up. I don't do that much. It just not who I am. I let myself go that day. I told her what happened, those many years ago. As hard as it was. I spoke, out loud. There was this one thing I didn't like,  I told the counselor , I was and I am a good Mom, her reply was, you did the best with what you had, 

I say now here in front of the whole world, NO, You are not listening to me," I was and I am a good Mom." If I did anything right in my life this would be it, I am a Mom. A proud Mom. Our girls have always been first to me. I don't think you can abuse a child with to much love. I raised me with high morals and love, I love me, and I believe that is what I taught my girls. I believe a loving heart goes a long way. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in hope. I don't think just because you come from abuse you will be an abuser. People should watch their words. 

I am not going to her for her to analyze me or make a judgment call, I don' know maybe I am sensitive or something, but I don't need that. I am a good Mom and I know in my heart I was and I am. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS ABUSED DOES NOT MEAN THEY will become the abuser!!!!!! I hated what they did to me. I would never do that to anyone in a million years. I am going to her! That was then this is now, I am a good Mom. Why do I feel like I have to prove it? I did nothing. They did this to me. If this happens to me again I will not go back to her. I have a voice and I ill be heard, NOT JUDGED!

Back to my jz less stress test, 

I can't help but wonder when I went into shock...

I ended up breaking up with Mike, he didn't even come to my Moms funeral, he told me she was just rotting in the ground so what is the sense. Last thing I remember he broke my nose, but he finally broke up with me. Or rather should I say be finally heard my break up!  my Mom just died by the hand of a man. I hated Mike the same way I hated Fred. I though this must have been when I went into shock, maybe it was because of this sad story, I forgot about my Mom's words, my Moms sad story.

No  

I think it was this one night, I was 18years old when my Mom died, My Mom died Dec 1/1981. I was with Mxnny a new guy in my life; we started dating May 4th 1982, Five months later. He needed me. My older sister was married by now.  

I believe it to be one summer’s night at about 3a.m in the morning. It was late I know this because my Mr. Dad wife and I just came back from work, we worked nights at CKCO, TV. My younger sister was sitting at the table, listening to loud music with her earphones on, She was crying, her Mom just died. She was only 14 years old. I was woken up by a scream, I ran to the kitchen to see Bxrb grabbing and hitting my younger sister, I freaked I pushed my step Mom to the wall and said "Never to touch my youngest sister ever, ever again or..."

Mr. Dad ran out, told us this is Bxrb house and to never speak of my mom again, and to get the beep out. I think this is the day I went into shock!

Now I want you to know there has been many happy memories as well,

Now I want you to know it was not all bad living with my family, It couldn't have been, or I think I would have ran. There is a lot of good too, like family gathering, Weddings, Births, I remember each and every one of my nieces and nephew when they were born, I have each of their measurement all the way to 14, then Aunties are not the first choice to visits if you know what I mean, There was Christmas, Thanks Giving, Easter and the hunt, Birthday, and all togetherness. So you see there were many good times to. I think us sisters were sisters.  Family support is everything. Sisters, Brothers. If what you have is good hold on to it, cherish it show the world. But if you need to talk, or you know someone that needs a hand, help them out. Family is everything, a step into the past and a hand into the future.

And I too, know there is two sides to a story. And I don't care if anyone thinks I am making this up, what I am about to share with you. One thing that was said to me by Mr. Dad, who told Mxnny and he told me again, and I believe my oldest daughter was told this about her Mom as well," Jz makes up stories and starts to believe in them."Jz has always wanted people to feel sorry for her.  Who in their right mind would want to make up such a horrific story? This is ugly and shameful and deceiving, I am embarrassed.}I don't think I will ever be looked at the same ever, why? Or ever see you the same or anything at that matter. Trust is everything, TRUST! It was as if Mr. Dad knew I was coming out of shock. {he said this to everyone just as I starting to come out of shock, before my memories started coming back day by day} If you are reading this you are more than welcome to come to your defense, only you Mr Dad and my older sister can clear this up. You put me here. Show the world I am a liar. Show the world jz makes up stories to try to get people to feel sorry for her; I make up stories and start believing in them.

I have just begun my journey to a better tomorrow. I tell you what.  I will pay you to do the DNA test. This way you can, show the world Jz is making up stories. And I will stop writing my "stories" our lives to the world. You put me here and this little voice just keeps getting LOUDER! I will wash myself of your hate. This is jz less stress test. I am not afraid to tell the world anymore.I have a voice. This is not my shame, this is your shame. Shame on you. Than to tell me I am shaming the family.

Words our Mother spoke to me;

We cannot go back in time, but we can always make it right.

My less stress test; A thought

There is something I would like to share, even after all this I still see that Mr Dad as my dad, There  is only a couple things that bother me to this day.

• Tell Bxrb how your mother use to beat you, tell her how your own Mother tried ti kill you, how she hated her own daughter.
• Your Mom was nothing but a slut, 
• Your mom died over a case of beer.
• Why it was Mr. Dad went to court on behalf of my Mom? But I was a key witness and I wasn't even asked to go to court? I am looking into this now. If anyone can help, please let me know.
• I see what this man did to my Mom those many years ago; I see what he did to me. But I also see he didn't have to take me in. 
• I see as time went on Mr. dad was not the thorn in my butt, who was?