What is a Sociopath

Have you ever met or been affected by a Sociopath?

Just a thought

Now many people say I should not write this. They say I am showing  everyone how uneducated I am. I am shaming myself. I don't see it that way. I did nothing wrong, why do people feel the need to say such a thing? I did not do this to me, this happened to me. A bomb fell on my head, and I found out the truth.

 

The truth might hurt but a lie is worse.

What I don't understand is why did I not see it until now? Was I blind? If you feel something is wrong, please call a help line for teens call a help line just for kids or write it down, get it out. Write. It will help you in your life to get it out. There are people to help. All you have to do is ask.

To really understand where, what, who and why, I must start at the beginning. The first time I went to a counselor she asked me to sum up who I am?

I guess I would have to consider myself the kind of person that likes to help others, I'm a people pleaser, I like to be liked and I like people to like me. I found myself as I was growing up if someone didn't like me, I questioned why? Why don't they like me? Why does it bother me so much that they don't like me? What can I do to make these people like me? I am a family person. I believe in family. I believe to have a friend is a privilege that should be cared for. I believe in compassion, I think this world has changed in many ways. I think compassion has left many people. Who am I?

The second question the counselor asked me is why I was there? With this in mind I'm going to let you know. This is my count down to my less stress test. Will it work? There is help for the child that are abused.

There are many types of abuse.

I am a loving mother of three beautiful girls,  whenever they are troubled or sad, even happy at that matter. I would say to them to write it down. Happy thoughts, Sad thoughts, troubled roads if you can't talk of it you should write it down, it will go away faster. It will take stress away. A loving thought or a happy day is a pretty cool story to read in the future. I love reading things I wrote when I was younger. So I thought since I have been telling them to write their stories down, here I am, so my journey in writing this is to eliminate my stress here goes, wish me luck! I'm not a writer, I don't claim to be, and I’m just an average person, struggling through life. I am not too sure on where to begin so here goes. I'm noticing for the first time in my life at age 46 the feelings I felt in my life have been true.

This is a poem I wrote.

Tears on my pillow

Tears on my pillow story never told

I was the innocent, you are the bold

I told you I loved you, I told you I cared

you didn't understand me,

and now I am scared

The tears start to fall

shame on you all…

What brought the truth on in my life was my daughter at age 15 years old was running into problems. This is when my nightmare began. I want you to know we are and have been loving parent. We did everything with our girls. I wanted to be in their lives, I wanted a family. I wanted to show them how you are to be with children. Running away was not my daughter’s choice. You will find out she was being nudged to do so. By family, that was not true family. Looking back now. Too late I lose. I don't even think  Dr Phil could fix what has been broken. Now I could start at this date but I think it would be unfair for me and everyone to really understand what took place. So let me go back in time.

We were considered to be an average family. We lived in a single dwelling in one of the more  upper class areas. Our parents owned a growing business. 
But I see now our home was not the best place for any child to grow up. Child abuse is never good! I do not want to get into all the bad but I fear I am going to have to walk up this alley if you are to understand what I am going through now.

When I was a child I always felt I didn't belong. Like I was outside looking in or something like that. I remember feeling scared. My parents seem to fight a lot and I always prayed they would separate. Can you imagine a 7 -8-year-old getting on her knees and praying to God, that their parents would separate?

I remember my kindergarten picture I had two black eyes. it was not my first and it wasn't the last time I was ever beaten. My abuse didn't just happen with physical; I noticed it was mental as well. I was called names a lot, not just by my siblings but by my parents. They would say things like everything hangs on you, boy are you ever dumb, are you ever greedy, you are a thief and a liar and the list goes on. They made me believe this of myself. They seemed to cut my hair short or give me a home perm, was this to make me look ugly?  Are girls not supposed to see themselves as princesses? Who would do this to a little girl and why? Well I found out why.

There was one name that stood out for years even to this day it makes me sick and I cry inside. When you hear it you're going to laugh.

Thinking it is cute, but to me they called me it after there was this program on TV, it was all about ugly frogs, everyone in the room were awing, yuk, gross, how ugly all these frogs were. Yes my Mr. dad was there also. After the show my older brother turned around and said that will be your new name frog. So it was froggy this and froggy that, all my life. now to a little girl in grade one, that see's these ugly frogs and then is called it for many years it makes one cry out loud and no one cared. I cried, and no one cared.  I was told I was just feeling sorry for myself all the time. As I write this down I am crying, how sad of them, how could they do this to a sweet little girl. They did this, they allowed this. How dare them I have to go…

There is more, my parents started calling me frog, oh come on it's a joke they would say. But it hurt me inside and they just didn't care, even though I cried they didn't care. I didn't like it. I was just too busy feeling sorry for myself. "What is wrong with me?" is a question they made me asks myself for many years. When I should have been asking myself what is wrong with them. I don't belong here; I think the hospital sent me to the wrong home I would say to myself.

Sorry I had to leave the tears that fell I could no longer type. One thing I would like to share with you is that something happened to that little girl. I used to tell my husband that, when I was a little girl I pray to God that my parents would separate. I told him something back then was protecting me I called it my wall or like a plastic bubble was protecting me. Will this pain ever leave?

 WHAT IS FAMILY?

So here I am in a family I do not feel like I belong in, my parents fighting, hating each other, I have siblings that don't seem to care. Parents that think its okay to allow siblings to attack one another and say nothing. Such as; on more then one occasion  my brother punched me in the belly, it knocked the wind right out of me, I was rolling on the floor, looking up and they were all laughing at me in pain. All of them! Parent too. I would be hit by siblings and everyone would laugh, "But they don't remember “funny how that works."I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Is what they would say to me. They had me believing it! My older sister would be there to tell me, well at least you are our dad's favorite?

I have a little sister that push me down the stairs one time, I was about seven years old I'm sure it was just an accident. It was the basement steps I don't really remember too much but I do remember that there was no railing going down the steps. I was at the top when she pushed me so I went right down a large fall onto the cement floor below. My arm was broken, I beg to seek help, I know it was earlier day hours when it happened because I was called inside to play with my younger sister," like always." After they moved my arm around and hurt me even more we got into the car, very dark out side I might add. I was told off the whole drive to the hospital, I beg to go home, I was scared. I do remember the fear, isn't it funny how fear stays within you? How we can remember the sad moments? Why can't I remember the good times? Anyway  I just wanted to turn around and go home just in case nothing was wrong with my arm, when we got to the hospital we found that my arm was broken, thank God. fear sure stand out,so sad. I find myself remembering so much more bad than good! I do try though.
How about a hug? I remember once when I asked for a hug my Mom pushed me away and said I was too old for a hug. I was about 10 years old. Right after that my younger sister, got that hug I was asking for right after, why? Mr Dad was in the room.

My younger sister would sit at the table, clear her throat and say Jz don't look at me, Jz don't look at me, repeated over and over and over again. I was made to turn my head or leave the room; wouldn't you feel like you didn't belong? If ever I would say anything they would say I was just feeling sorry for myself. Or if my younger sister asked for one of my toys no questions asked. It was no longer mine. It was hers and then if I wanted to play with that toy I would have to ask her if I could play with it.

If something went missing Jz did it. But they can't remember there is just so much pain they did this to me. I am mad.

Do you want to know what it is like being one year younger than my older sister, four years older than my younger sister, and you have to go to bed at 7:00/:30 and everyone is still down stair watching T.V. because you need more sleep than everyone. Wow! There were times I would go downstairs just to find everyone eating pizza and I’m sent back to bed!

The list goes on. I can't help but feel like one of those women that have gotten beaten, but I had nowhere to go, and no one cared. I feel like one of those war people that went through hell and came back and had to make a life and forget about everything. I feel like one of those people that had to go into protection and loose all those they ever loved. My love was true.

Just a thought

I want you to know I do not blame any of this on my siblings, I see now it is the way we were raised. What I don't understand is how they can sit there and say I don't remember.

How come I wouldn't just say stop you know what happened, I was there, you were there. I guess they would have to show the world the true them.

I guess this is me:

Effects of child abuse in children:

Children who experienced child abuse are likely to have some emotional and physical problem whether they display them or not and in worse cases, a child might have suicide tendencies because of this the effects of child abuse on the child's depends on how great the abuse is the greater the abuse, the greater the effects on the overall state of the child.

Depression, stress and trauma are also some of the effects of child abuse in children. Abuse children also exhibit conditions like difficulty in building up relationships and people, low self-esteem, eating disorders, as well as physical disabilities. Child abuse could also lower the self-worth of a child who experiences it.

Now I've been to the doctor, and he has tried to put me on antidepressants. But I can't help but feel, I'm feeling sad for reason. Are you telling me that when a person is feeling sad for a reason they're depressed? and you need medicine, are we not supposed to have emotions? I do believe I am in some sort of trauma, but I don't feel I need antidepressants. I just need to let this out.

The body speaks

I can't help but envy Oprah Winfrey, I heard that she was reunited with her half sister that she had never ever met. How they found this out later on in life and they accepted her into their lives. I've been a half-sister to my family for now over 40 years and they act like I am not as worthy as them. I see why now how I was Cinderella or some fairytale story and one day I would be saved by a prince.

They seen me as bad the same way my parents did. But it was unfair because they knew I was not of the same DNA, other than my youngest sister; I do not think she knew, I think she was too young. But I didn't KNOW. I was a toy. I have been nothing but bad to them, I have done nothing, I was BORN. 

BUT nobody in my family seems to have seen any of the good I've done. That I believe in family. Why? I guess to them I broke the family, I should have been an abortion. My mother should have never of gone back.

Sure would be nice if I could be Oprah Winfrey's sister, I bet she would accept me. I heard Oprah is coming to Canada. I would just like to say WELCOME TO CANADA OPRAH WINFREY! You have touched many of lives.

Color Purple

Precious 

Kids Don't tell

Hi my name is Judy, some on the net know me as jz, or jz karaoke  and I have something to say.

Now many people say I should not write this. I am just showing people how uneducated I am. I am shaming myself. But I have to, I don't know why. I just do.

I am not making this blog to hurt anyone. Or for anyone to feel sorry for me.

I think I would just like people to know there are many kinds of bulling and many kind of abusers. Now before I begin I want everyone to know I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me either. I just would really like for people to be aware, that is all. Maybe my story will help someone in need, you are never alone. And kids don't tell. So it is up to us adults to stop all this hate from one person to the next.

I couldn’t figure out what to name this blog, I came up with so many, like, 

• Crisis, help me, 
• Kids don't tell, Adults are ashamed to say...
• Oh my god, help me!
• Who am I ? 
• Dear Oprah   
• Case file number 257,
• Why me? 
• Bullies
• Abusers 
• Truth  
• Lies  
• Help 
• Counseling blog 
• Who am I?  
• Save me? 
• Never look back 
• Pray for me. 
• How Bleak  
• Tampered with my brain
• Like a Puzzle, within you  
• My inner thoughts
• Brian Baker 
• Toy with me
• How naive 
• You can’t hide 
• I’m not a toy 
• If you want to know who I am, don't look at you
• Hate me for me, not what they say 
• No one had to pick sides
• Am I a sin
• Should I have been a abortion
• 100 to 1
• Your mom is always right, it had to be her
• Hate land
• Love, hate, relationship