FLASH BACKS, Memories,
What to look for, do you believe someone is trying to hurt you?
Could be someone you love, could be someone you trust.
These are flash backs to my life, they might not be in order because my memories are coming little by little. I guess this is to protect me from this horror I called family.
Family and time moved on. My brother was married and out on his own living his life, My older sister was married and out living her life. I am going to begin at the time I was getting engaged to be married. 1983 I got married in April of 1984.
Like apples on a tree, bang ,bang...hitting you as they fall
- When my Mom died the day of her funeral my Uncle Gerald took me down the hall, said if things get bad here, I could come live with them.
- When I became engaged my Mom sister Verna came out of hiding, yes hiding because no one ever seen her even to this day she keeps her where about' s a secrete. She came out of hiding to say. I know THAT MAN will not buy you a dress so I came to take you out to get your wedding dress, I know your Mom would want this. I think she was one of my Mothers sisters that truly loved her sister my Mom.
- Uncle Dad would ask me in "private" each time he seen me, if everything was alright? He would tell me how much he too missed my Mom and that he loved her. He asked me how things were going and that this is the best place for me, with my sibling he said.
- My Aunt Ann throw me a wedding shower, when it was time to leave, she looked to my older sister and myself and said, You know one of you girls are not your dad's biological daughters.When we got into the car my older sister assured me it was not me, you are dads favorite you know that. She said it was probably the joke everyone use to say, you know our younger sister was the "milk mans daughters."
- When I made up all my thank you card for all that time and work and gift people gave me for our wedding, my older sister was to come over and give me addresses for all these people, but she came over and told me it was not necessary.I believed in her, after all she was my big sister.She seemed to know prodical more then I.
- I didn't get a wedding gift, from Mr Dad he was to buy the wine at our wedding, I paid for that.He married Bxrb three months later, I loaned him money for his wedding honeymoon, I didn't get that back.
- The gift I got from Uncle dad, my older sister told me it was cheap and I should throw it away, or not serve them to anyone that is for sure, It was a silver plated silverware set. I liked it.
- There was this time Margret a friend of the family came to town, she sat at our table, she pointed to my brother, older sister, then younger sister, I understand why you are all here, BUT then as she pointing to me, and said, but for the life of me I don't understand why you are here.
When I confronted my older sister with this, years later she said Jz I think you are going crazy. Margret was never here. I went to my brother after this and I asked him in this way. Brother do you remember when Margret came to town, why was her husband Paul not with her? My brothers reply, Jz she came because Paul died and she was moving out West. I have spoken to her since and she has told me the truth of who I am as well. She is very much alive, and she has remarried and is happy.
- My Aunt Margery is that one that told me on a regular basis, she called me all the time. She would always ask me so Jz how is Bxrb and Rxg, Never Dad and Bxrd not to me anyway, but if a sister or brother walked into the room, she would look up and ask; so how is your Dad and Bxrd?I always questioned this. On her death bed she looked to me and said, Jz listen, how is Rxg and Bxrb? My older sister walked into My Aunt Margery's room, My Aunt looked to me again and said Jz listen, Txmmy how is your Dad and Bxrd? If this is not telling I don't know what is.
- There was one time my older sister and I went to see Aunt Ann, at this time my sister had two children, I loved them so so much, When we were about to leave, once again Auntie Ann said, you do know one of you girls are not your father’s daughters, my older sister ran out the door to get her youngest daughter, from running on the road, or to put them in their car seats, something like that anyway... This time I looked to my Aunt and said, yah who? Her reply to me was go ask your Uncle Bxb and your Aunt Doreen. When returning to the car I told my older sister what Ann had said. her reply, she is talking about that little sister thing again. My Aunt Ann never really liked me after that? Hmmm I wonder why, what did I ever do to her. I liked her. What did Txmmy, Sxndra and Mr Rxg say to turn everyone away? Not one person I have ever loved, liked, been apart of their lives, shared with, laughed with, cried with, not one. Not one even gave me the chance to speak my side. You know you have been touched by evil when this happens. Don't get me wrong I still carry friends that I kept away from them, or they thought something was wrong with them. I did a lot of events at different times, to please those around me.
- When my so called dad told me for a second time in my life I was not his biological daughter, mind you he really didn't have to Txmmy pretty much told me with all her private phone calls anyway. Anyway I called this Aunt, crying, her reply to me was," I know who you are!" your older sister and your Mr dad already warned us of you. You had your chance with us and you blow it. Talk about no support! Who were these people to treat me so bad. I treated each and everyone of them all with the up most respect and love, for what? Family.
- Here's an apple on the head, one time my older sister ask me to go to a Halloween dance with her, she begged me. I couldn't go because My Uncle Dad and his wife were coming over for dinner. My sister kept on begging, please please there is a girl whom will be there from her work place that was giving my sister troubles, and she claimed this girl was hitting on her husband," Please" she kept saying. My heart is to big, I truly felt like she needed me. So I called up my Uncle Dad, told him we would have to make it a different day something important came up. I turned the roast off, and we my husband and I went to this dance with my sister. When we got to the dance, my sister was with this girl all night.Having FUN.
- My husband and I were married about four years at this point, and we were having problems having children,I ask my older sister to write a reference for me. When we went to talk to the agency they called us into a room, they said one of our references truly do not like you and gave you a bad reference. Now I only gave my older sister, and my lifelong friend as a reference. When confronting my sister with this info, her reply was, it must have been my long life friend. My reply No way! I know her and I know she would never do this to me. Than my older sister said to me, it must have been Aunt DXreen Uncle Dad’s wife. She was so pissed off at you jz, about that dinner, I could see her doing this to you. Plus she works for someone that works there. I could see her talking to them. So I went along my way? Why?
ADOPTION
- After all it was my older sister that told me how to prepare for the adoption agency. She told me her friend got a child by telling the truth. She had gone in there and told them how she was abused and they felt for her so much they gave her a child. Naive as I am I listened. I trusted her, I loved her. I went in and I told them everything. They told me, I could not have a child do to a bad reference and do to all the abuse. I would most likely be an abuser. I hated what my parents did to me. I would never in a million years ever, ever do to another human what was done to me NOT EVER!
- I never put this together until just now. All gatherings at Mr. Dads and his new wife place I noticed all her family would be invited and they came, my mother’s side was invited too. BUT my Mr. Dads family was not why? Would this be a apple too?
- I babysat for my cousin/ half brother; whenever I had a gathering my sister would bring whomever she wanted. I asked for my niece/cousin to come to an event at their place, I received a call that said no I could not bring her. How sad is that. I had to tell my little Kxren she could not come. Why? It must have truly hurt my older sister to see me with them.
- One time we were invited to a gathering at my older sisters, I asked her what I should bring, No no jz she said, just bring your own food, and don’t worry about anyone other than your family. I met up with my cousin/half brother, I asked him to come along, he asked me what he should bring, just worry about your family that is what everyone is doing, I replied. So I thought. When we got there, there were loads of people. And not one of them brought food, my older sister supplied it all. We were the only ones that brought our own food. I was so embarrassed, I wonder if my cousin/half brother remembers this.
How can someone have a relationship with this kind of person?
Why is it they make you think you are the crazy one.
When confronting my older sister with many of the thing she did to me and my younger sister, she would reply,
"I don't remember" jz I think you are going crazy.
I was always called greedy and selfish
I called it more protective, why?
When I was little, things were taken from me and given to them.
What stands out in my mind most are these?
- I remember one time my older sister borrowed my staple gun, I had an engraver at the time and I engrave initials on the side of it. I did loan it to her, I just never got it back, so one afternoon I went to see my sister, her husband was there working on the deck to their pool. This goes back some time. I asked him for my staple gun, His reply was it was not mine, they do not even have mine, they had their own. Then he proceeded to showed it to me. The initials I engraved were on the stapler. I said I put the initials there, we exchanged words and I left without a stapler. Now I know you are saying who cares they are cheap, right? Well I did care; I thought it was the principle of it. I would never do that to anyone.
- Or how about one time; I went to take some leftover turkey home after a gathering. My brother in-law my older sister’s husband, Ask me what I was doing? Told me I could not take any, I said I paid for it; he laughed and said yah, yah! If it was not for my step mom (to whom I see was really the one I went to visit and her mom they treated me the way people should) if it was not for her popping up on my behalf, I don’t know what I would have done. My heart melted, I supplied the turkey from time to time, I never ask any one for a dime. If they bought the turkey I gave $20.00 to my older sister, and I always supplied the potatoes. Two Pies on occasion. “I bet I was the only one that paid.”
Sticks and Stones
- Do you remember earlier on in my story I told you my older sister had been telling people I was a prostitute. This would have been when I was 14 years old by the way. Well I just found out this story has been going on behind my back for all these years. Everybody for years and years and years and years I mean years, has seen me this way. Think about that everyone. Mother in-laws, Father In-laws my family, friends, everyone nieces nephews, how sad. When my daughter ran at 16yrs she said to me, I know who you really are! Who? I was so naive, I had no idea what she was even talking about, so I ask her, she shook her head and left. Little did I know she was been told this lie too, that my older sister made up years ago, just to hurt my Mom "her own Mom. Ashamed to add. Who would have figured this would be haunting me many years later. I always wondered why "some people husbands" always hit on me, and we know who that is, don’t we; I guess he figured, since I used to be a "prostitute" why not. I feel so dumb.
If I were to think with my heart it would have to say. Personally I don’t think anyone should even have to write shit like this down. Who does this to people they love?
When I went to my family to help direct our teen daughter home. She moved in with a young niece that enjoys her alcohol. My family said to me." jz this is what family does."
My older sister called me up and said, how does it feel? One of the last things she said to me was; hope you can fix what you broke jz. Her words ring in my ears, I loved her. What is wrong with me?
