Hey you Hollywood producers I have a story for you,
Move over Mommy Dearest I have a story to tell, and I want the whole world to hear my voice. I am not little, just short.
Please this is coming from someone that see's and feels the affects child abuse can have on your child, woman/ man, I am someone it happen to. I am a Child Abused and hope to be a Adult Survivor. It could be someone you know. What if it was happening to you? It is a life lasting feeling, it does not go away. I have felt worthless or maybe not as smart for a long time, it took me many of years to see myself as beautiful. I think ever person should be a princess, or a prince at that matter. They made me feel worthless and dumb.
I have talked to many family members and friends of our family and neighbor we lived next to. They all said they knew about the abuse, they know my Mom was being abused and they knew I was being abused, but know one, not even one did anything about it, just turned off the lights and went on their way. STOP PLEASE if you know someone needs you don't turn off the lights, don't just shut the door, do something now before it is too late. PLEASE Abuse is a life long pain, even after you leave the abuser. Compassion is all I ask, please let’s put a stop to mental abuse. I have a heart, I feel, the same blood that runs through me runs through you. Let’s stop the cries.
Child abuse is a sin, that leave scares forever.
Think about that next time you raise your hand,
The next time you call someone a name.
Was I in shock? is there such a thing as shock for years and years? or would this be I believed the head games. I always knew what went on in that house many of years ago was wrong.
I see I am much different from you all.
I am proud to say I am a good Mom and I love my family too.
So after being there for a few weeks, my Mother got word I was living there. She called me up and asked me why I moved there. My reply was, where was I to go Mom? What I don't understand is why is it I didn't see her question. Why didn't I question the fact that he told me he wasn't my biological father at 12 years old? The writing was on the wall I was being told everywhere. I remember one time when living there my older sister said to me, Judy do you know why dad lets you do whatever you want? My reply, no why. My older sister's reply, so you don't leave. Once again is this not telling me?
Another time Mr. Dad needed help with his work so he decided to let me have my boyfriend Mike moved in, now I want you to know here and now we did not sleep in the same room or the same bed. He had Mike moved in so that Mr. Dad didn't have to go off to work, Mike did all the work and he got free room and board. Now this was okay at the beginning because I liked Mike, and I felt I didn't belong and we had been dating for over a year so I thought it would be good., But I was getting to the point where I wanted to break up with Mike. There were several times I did break up with Mike but he wouldn't leave, because my Mr. dad needed help.
Now I want you to know that my mother got word that Mike had been living with us. She called me up and asked me why do I have Mike living there? Don't you know that Mr Dad is just trying to keep you there? don't you know that he is just trying to hurt me. Now if this is not a Apple hitting me in the head to tell me, he is not my father I don't know what is. Why! why did I not hear.
Time moved on, mom and I still stayed in touch with each other. I worked at the key shop so I would call her when I went to work to make sure everything was okay with her.
There was one time when Uncle Bxb came over, when he came over he went onto the back patio he called me out, he asked me was everything okay? Do I feel comfortable and if anything was ever wrong to let him know. I thought he was being a concerned Uncle. After all he came to see me when I lived with my Mom.
As stated above I moved in with Mr. Dad around May one month before my 16th birthday. I was never really there I was the kind of teenager that was always gone from home. Between work, friends and boyfriend I really didn't have time to be sitting around at home. Plus as I told you above I really didn't feel comfortable I still felt like an outsider looking in.
So a year had passed, my mother and I were still staying in Touch, I really did want to move back with her but she was still with Fred and I hated him with a passion. Until this one winter's day my mother called me up, telling me Mike should leave. By this point in my life I agreed. But I couldn't he kept saying your father needs me as long as he needs me I stay.
My mother called me up one day, to be honest this would've been December 10, 1981 she kept telling me she told Fred she was leaving him, she told me she wanted to start a new life with me and her, we could start over. She told me that there was something about that man she had to tell me, I was old enough to know, She asked me to come because she told Fred she was going to leave him and had all of his bags packed, she asked me to come because she said she was afraid he was going to kill her. My reply to my mother was I had to go to work. I told her I would call work to see if I could have it off. Mr. Dad said that was a bad idea and I should go to work. So I told my mother that I would go to her home after I went to work, I only had a three hour shift so it meant I would be there for her. Mr. Dad drove me to work that day. All the way there he kept repeating over and over well it wouldn't surprise me if she got killed she such a slut, she such a drunk, she's the worst mother ever, look what she did to you, look at how she hated her own daughter.
I was about two hours into my job when two police officers came to where I work. I knew something was wrong my heart, I felt my stomach I remember the words she said to me, I felt it was my fault, I felt why wasn't I there, I should have been there, the words that she said rang in my ears for years. They still do even loader now. Even now as I'm writing this I can't help but feel the pain of the last words my Mom spoke to me. What a dirty trick the universe played on me.
My Mom died that day, Dec 10 1981
After the police left, I asked Mr. Dad what my mother meant by, there is something about that man I must tell you, I was old enough to know. Mr. Dad just kept repeating I don't know what she's talking about. She must have been talking about Fred. Like BULLSHIT.
Thought out loud.
I can't understand for the life of me why it is my mind block this, or made me not confront it, because deep down I have always remember the word Mr. Dad said to me at twelve. Who wouldn’t? I guess it must of been my older sister convincing line. ''BUT jz you have always been Dad's favorite," Mr. Dads that is. I only remember a couple stories about Mr. Dad; He would let me ruffle through his pant pockets, whatever money I found I could keep. He let me keep change a nickel here a dime there. One time I found $10.00 I told my girls this story, he let me have that ten dollars, This is the part I did not tell my girls, later that day my Mom made me give it back. I liked when he would say a cow was a sheep and cute things like that. Not much more than this as a kid anyway. I kept the abuse away from my girls, after all who wants the downer. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me or something like that. After all that was then, why see black when you have a world of colors.
Everybody was telling me, they were banging me over the head with it. Why was my mind refusing to confront them? Is it because my Mom kept saying you are definitely a Gxrton," I can promise you one thing Judy you are definitely a Gxrton." she would say. What a dirty trick to be playing with my head, my kindness, for all these years when I know in my heart and in my soul, Mr. dad could have told me in a more loving way, I believe my older brother must of none, and could have told me, I know in my heart my older sister knew right from the beginning.. It was my older sister that did so much bad to me.
One time there was this girl Jill Gxnther, she came up to me and told me your older sister is evil, there is something really wrong with her, she is not just a back stabber, or someone that goes around talking about you behind your back, She makes up story and turns everyone away from you with her made up lies. She twists everything you say. She strips you of your character.
I thought well lots of girls do this. But know not like this. Not like this girl.
Several times by many people, family members, and friends of the family, they have told me your sister is like a candy coated pill! Not really knowing what they meant then, I do now, sweet on the outside, sour on the inside? Wow how true.
As this inside story continues you will see what I mean.
There is such a thing as someone toying with you! This is just the beginning of my nightmare.
Will I ever wake up?
Looking back, I wish I could have none, I wish that wall that protection me was never there. I wish I didn't believe the people I loved, and still love, but hate.
I do apologize if it takes me time to add a new post. To be honest this is very hard on me. I just know it is something I must do. jz less stress test, I do hope this works!
Kids don't tell, and adults feel ashamed and embarrassed of you.
I found out I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What is this? Take a look at the link about PTSD if you are not sure. I did take a look and a read, I found out a lot about me. To know what you are facing helps. I am not ignorant to anything. If I need to know, if I am experiencing it or wanting to know something, anything I will learn.
I guess this would be me;
Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event
- Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
- Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
- Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
- Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)
It just so unfair, I see now that I should have seek out for help back then, maybe this would not be going on today, thirty years late. Not a day, Not a week or a month, year this is years later. Its like I have been living in a bubble.
I went to a counselor this week, it was nice when I was there, I really opened up. I don't do that much. It just not who I am. I let myself go that day. I told her what happened, those many years ago. As hard as it was. I spoke, out loud. There was this one thing I didn't like, I told the counselor , I was and I am a good Mom, her reply was, you did the best with what you had,
I say now here in front of the whole world, NO, You are not listening to me," I was and I am a good Mom." If I did anything right in my life this would be it, I am a Mom. A proud Mom. Our girls have always been first to me. I don't think you can abuse a child with to much love. I raised me with high morals and love, I love me, and I believe that is what I taught my girls. I believe a loving heart goes a long way. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in hope. I don't think just because you come from abuse you will be an abuser. People should watch their words.
I am not going to her for her to analyze me or make a judgment call, I don' know maybe I am sensitive or something, but I don't need that. I am a good Mom and I know in my heart I was and I am. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS ABUSED DOES NOT MEAN THEY will become the abuser!!!!!! I hated what they did to me. I would never do that to anyone in a million years. I am going to her! That was then this is now, I am a good Mom. Why do I feel like I have to prove it? I did nothing. They did this to me. If this happens to me again I will not go back to her. I have a voice and I ill be heard, NOT JUDGED!
Back to my jz less stress test,
I can't help but wonder when I went into shock...
I ended up breaking up with Mike, he didn't even come to my Moms funeral, he told me she was just rotting in the ground so what is the sense. Last thing I remember he broke my nose, but he finally broke up with me. Or rather should I say be finally heard my break up! my Mom just died by the hand of a man. I hated Mike the same way I hated Fred. I though this must have been when I went into shock, maybe it was because of this sad story, I forgot about my Mom's words, my Moms sad story.
No
I think it was this one night, I was 18years old when my Mom died, My Mom died Dec 1/1981. I was with Mxnny a new guy in my life; we started dating May 4th 1982, Five months later. He needed me. My older sister was married by now.
I believe it to be one summer’s night at about 3a.m in the morning. It was late I know this because my Mr. Dad wife and I just came back from work, we worked nights at CKCO, TV. My younger sister was sitting at the table, listening to loud music with her earphones on, She was crying, her Mom just died. She was only 14 years old. I was woken up by a scream, I ran to the kitchen to see Bxrb grabbing and hitting my younger sister, I freaked I pushed my step Mom to the wall and said "Never to touch my youngest sister ever, ever again or..."
Mr. Dad ran out, told us this is Bxrb house and to never speak of my mom again, and to get the beep out. I think this is the day I went into shock!
Now I want you to know there has been many happy memories as well,
Now I want you to know it was not all bad living with my family, It couldn't have been, or I think I would have ran. There is a lot of good too, like family gathering, Weddings, Births, I remember each and every one of my nieces and nephew when they were born, I have each of their measurement all the way to 14, then Aunties are not the first choice to visits if you know what I mean, There was Christmas, Thanks Giving, Easter and the hunt, Birthday, and all togetherness. So you see there were many good times to. I think us sisters were sisters. Family support is everything. Sisters, Brothers. If what you have is good hold on to it, cherish it show the world. But if you need to talk, or you know someone that needs a hand, help them out. Family is everything, a step into the past and a hand into the future.
And I too, know there is two sides to a story. And I don't care if anyone thinks I am making this up, what I am about to share with you. One thing that was said to me by Mr. Dad, who told Mxnny and he told me again, and I believe my oldest daughter was told this about her Mom as well," Jz makes up stories and starts to believe in them."Jz has always wanted people to feel sorry for her. Who in their right mind would want to make up such a horrific story? This is ugly and shameful and deceiving, I am embarrassed.}I don't think I will ever be looked at the same ever, why? Or ever see you the same or anything at that matter. Trust is everything, TRUST! It was as if Mr. Dad knew I was coming out of shock. {he said this to everyone just as I starting to come out of shock, before my memories started coming back day by day} If you are reading this you are more than welcome to come to your defense, only you Mr Dad and my older sister can clear this up. You put me here. Show the world I am a liar. Show the world jz makes up stories to try to get people to feel sorry for her; I make up stories and start believing in them.
I have just begun my journey to a better tomorrow. I tell you what. I will pay you to do the DNA test. This way you can, show the world Jz is making up stories. And I will stop writing my "stories" our lives to the world. You put me here and this little voice just keeps getting LOUDER! I will wash myself of your hate. This is jz less stress test. I am not afraid to tell the world anymore.I have a voice. This is not my shame, this is your shame. Shame on you. Than to tell me I am shaming the family.
Words our Mother spoke to me;
We cannot go back in time, but we can always make it right.
My less stress test; A thought
There is something I would like to share, even after all this I still see that Mr Dad as my dad, There is only a couple things that bother me to this day.
- Tell Bxrb how your mother use to beat you, tell her how your own Mother tried ti kill you, how she hated her own daughter.
- Your Mom was nothing but a slut,
- Your mom died over a case of beer.
- Why it was Mr. Dad went to court on behalf of my Mom? But I was a key witness and I wasn't even asked to go to court? I am looking into this now. If anyone can help, please let me know.
- I see what this man did to my Mom those many years ago; I see what he did to me. But I also see he didn't have to take me in.
- I see as time went on Mr. dad was not the thorn in my butt, who was?
