Abuse

Remembering the abuse

I remember my Mr. Dads Mother lived with us, I was no more than eight years old, it was late one night, my grandmother came to my room with a knife calling me a sinful child," like what is up with that." I don't know if I let my mom know or if she intervened. I do remember they had a fight the next evening in their room. My mom was saying his Mother had to leave,
I was in danger it was to be my grandmother or my Mom was going to leave. I was praying in my room please lord let it happen. But it didn't, they just kept on living together, having the youngest child sleeping between them. My Grandmother did leave.
People ask me if I would like to be a kid again? I say "no way" I would never go back I would rather die. But you are just feeling sorry for yourself, frogy. How ugly are they?
Why did my Mother hate me so much? Why did everyone have a right in that house but me? Everyone would say; well at least you have Dad, you are his favorite, well I guess it wasn't really everyone, It was just my older sister. I loved her so so much, I looked up to her, she was so beautiful to me,  so I believed her, after all I would describe myself as a kind person, I had no reason not to believe her. I loved her and I trusted her. I love people, I trust people, I am kind,and think most people are the same. I try to treat others the way I would want people to treat me. My love was true, I was blind to them. In a way anyway. 
A broken heart is blind, I would think. Rather true love is blind.
What  Father at about age ten years old does this? I just got a new book from my Uncle, this was special day for me, my Uncle and his son Robbie and I went out for the afternoon, he bought me a sticker book, about all different animals. I just got it and my younger sister wanted to see it, not with me but by herself. I just got this gift, I just opened it. He grabbed the book from me, gave it to her, stomped up the stairs; tell me he fucking hated my guts. GREEDY GREEDY GREEDY I wish you would die. So now my Mom hated me, and the person my oldest sister said "I was his favorite too," hated me. Could life get any worse?

Just a thought
What I really don't understand  is, why is it I could not see this? I seem to be able to read people so well, but not them .

I know some people my parents hung around with, they too  knew about the abuse. When we lived in Windsor there was a family we hung out with on weekends. I looked forward to our visits. The father was a custodian at my grade school. I was in grade one, the school was call John O Co-hill. I think he told some of the teachers there, was abuse, because on two occasions a teacher picked me and another student to go to see bozo the clown. Things like this were done back then. I was on T.V, I thought that was cool. That was in grade one and two. I often wonder if I could get those shows. If he didn't say anything to those teacher, and they did this out of the goodness of their hearts, there are really good people out in our world. I remember them to this day. This is a happy thought. Maybe this writing it down is going to help me after all.
I know that whenever I talk to people about my thoughts and what is going on in my life, it  is to tense and most people just do not want the downer. They say things like this happened back then. But I didn't see what was happening to me, happening to the rest of the kids in our house. Don't get me wrong, my older sister got in trouble time to time but never beatings. I don't ever remember my brother or my youngest sister ever getting the kind of beating I got. We all knew they were our Moms favorite. My oldest sister was Mr. Dads and she lead me to believe I was his favorite too. What a fool I was. Just because someone says something does not always mean it is so. Go with your gut feeling, I know now I should have. 
Why couldn't I see this of this sister? Could it have been the wall that was building around me? This wall, this shield that was protecting me, I think it was also shouting me out of my reality.
Time moved on more went on, I am sharing this with you because it has a lot of significant.
I was about eleven and a half years old, My Mom ask me for the first time in my life if I could do her a favor? It was a very important favor, since I was old enough that is. She was babysitting a little girl; I think she was three at the time. My Mother had to run and pick up at the store. I was to watch Susie and make sure nothing happened. I watched her; we were in the back yard sitting on the picnic table when Susie asked for a drink. I ask my younger sister to keep an eye, not to move until I returned. I opened the back door and all I heard was crying and screaming. Susie had fallen off the table onto the cement, and a hugh goose egg on the forehead. I had been so badly beaten for that no pants on, bare skin two paddles broken on me. I was hung by the neck and I couldn't breathe. My feet were dangling and couldn't feel my head. If it was not for my little sister screaming "you are going to kill her"  dropped me. I would be dead today, if not for my younger sister. I was told to come down and apologize to Susie's Mom. She seen, she knew, she said it was Okay and it was just an accident. Could have happened to anyone she said. Something dyed in me that day. I just didn't belong.
I do remember Susie's Mom, from time to time ask if I could come to her house and watch Susie for her so she could get her chores done. Once again seeing there is good people out there.

I think it was that day, my Mother decided what was to happen next

Shortly after this is when my parent separated. My Mother left that Mr Dad guy. He and my older sister went to California to find a house and to get the papers for a green card. We were going to move to California. California here we come. Only to find when he returned home we were gone. My younger sister, my Mom and myself. My older brother wouldn’t come.   
I stayed with my Mom, so did my little sister. Life took to another turn. Our Mom took up drinking and the wrong crowd.
 She had a vodka and orange juice in the fridge, we drank some not knowing there was alcohol in it then we went to school, and we were sent back to live with our Mr. Dad. I didn't live there very long when one night Mr Dad got so mad at me, one time when I would not go out with him and this lesbian girl friend he had, I do believe she seemed to be more into me then him. I was twelve at the time.  I refused, he yelled and screamed, he stated beating me with a wooden brush, over the head; he broke that brush with my head.  I said I was moving back with my Mom, He said, so you are not my biological child anyway I don't know why I ever bothered with you.
Running to my Mom, telling her what he said. I repeated it over and over, why would he say I am not his biological daughter. My Mother replied Jz, a father is someone that puts food in your belly, and a roof over your head. Still I repeated it again and again. Why would he say I was not his biological daughter? This is when my Mom said, Judy I can guarantee one thing that is a for sure you are a Gxrton. So I guess I must have been satisfied because I went on my merry way.
Looking back now I do believe she was trying to tell me. Don't you?

Why is it he never called, not once? I waited, she would ask if I missed him and I said no. But I did want him to call. He never did. I lived with her for five years after they had broken up. Not one calls!
Until he wanted me to meet his new wife to be that is. I was about fourteen at the time. That is two years after I left. When I met her it was at a house party they were throwing, so we never really talked.
 I want you to know, My Mother went to hit me once after I moved back with her, I grabbed her hand and stated  if she ever went to hit me again I would hit her back, I would move in with my Uncle xxx, I always felt close to him. He was one of the only places I was allowed to sleep at when I was a kid, I loved him he was so kind. He would say I was a princess.  I have two wonderful cousins, a boy and a girl. The girl and I were so close; we told everyone we were sisters. I couldn't wait for the week end so I could see her. They truly loved me. So I said I would just move there. This is when my Mom broke down and cried. I asked her why she hated me so much, why did she beat me, what did I ever do to her? Why did she hate me so much?  This is when My Mother apologized to me. She said she would never hit me again, she said; she was just so unhappy. There were things that I didn't understand about that man. She said I was going through enough and one day she would explain. I am so sorry she would keep repeating. 
You know she never did hit me after that day. After that we learned to hug and say I love you. In the evenings after school on occasion she would read her romance novels to me. Not that I enjoyed that type of book, I just enjoyed she was paying attention to me. I had never been read to as a kid so this was closeness to me.

Sometimes the abuser is the abused. 

I ran down stairs because
I had to write this down before I forgot.

In loving memories of 

my Mom. Gone but not 

forgotten. Even in her 

death she was blamed 

for all the wrong that

happened in that house 

many years ago. 
It is time for the world to see the true

Barbara Joyce Gurton/Findly

This is for her own kids.

Maybe they would like to see 

their true Mom. Not the thirty

years of hate that has been handed to us.
Mom this is for you the one that was 
abused and no one listened, or saw.
I see it now and I am letting them know the 
true you.
Gone but not forgotten.

Gone but not forgotten 


My Mother was the kind of person that said sorry
Therefore she could forgive, she never put you down
She just made me aware,
Of all those little secretes, you were trying to despair
Truth shell set you free...
She would say, I loved that man, I just can't,
She just couldn't handle the rage
The dangling, the abuse,

Waiting for a death of her father to arrive
Is that called blackmail?

This is not love.
I am the battle ground,
I was the abuse,
She left you for  two years

With two of your children
She came back with three
That was me
I was from love,
I don't care what you think
How dare you stand before me
And put shame to her name,
At least she stood up, she fell to her knees
I am sorry, please forgive me
The abuse stopped there,
I loved my Mom, we became friends
At the end she was there, she was true to me
She never spoke a bad of you.
Just made me aware
Not one bad word,
As you gave me thirty years
Of nothing but bad words
She just made me aware,

She said one day you will know

That man as I do,

You have the puzzle within 

It will arrive one day you'll see

I guess it is here!

By Judy/jz

Words our Mother spoke to me;

We cannot go back in time, but we can always make it right.

Did you forget? Do you not remember? Has he made you blind?
Life is not what it may appear, I was there too,  I do remember. Ask yourself did she talk about him? 

Who leaves if you are his favorite? Why did it take so long for me to see?

Like I said my Mom took to drinking, I didn't understand how one could change so fast.  Why? But I do understand why now.

My Mom would tell me all the time. You do not know that man as I do. He is trying to hurt me. He is trying to isolate me. He has taken my whole family from me. They are on his side. Side what side? I would ask. I see now this is exactly what he was doing. Why is it everyone of her own family wouldn't call, take her calls, or not one visitor from any of the people she gave so much to.

There was only one Aunt that would visit and share in our lives. She continued for years later visiting me, and tells me some fine stories of her and my Mom. Thank you for my Aunt Margery. 

So I live with my Mom. My two sisters and my brother lived with Mr. Dad and his live in girl friend. He never called ever; I don't understand how some things get locked in. 
Living with my mother had many draw backs as well, she took to drinking, I think she didn't know how to get happy anymore. He isolated her, any friends she had before, dumped her, her family dumped her; the stress she left behind didn't leave. It was very much there. And all she would say is you don't know that man. This is him doing this to me. I was too much into the teen seen, I was there but I wasn't, this was to deep for me. Now I see.
My mother had a live in guy too, see had several at different time that is, I hated them all. They all like to drink; on the week end she was gone most of the time. Most of the time she would just come home and cry. But during the week she would drink one or two sometime three, but she was there. She made my dinners, she tucked my in. I wasn't in the safest place, I don't think as a parent you should have any other partner live with you until the children leave. Or it should at least be, if a child does not feel safe they shouldn't be sleeping there. But I guess some kids would just cry wolf.
My family thinks my mom had many men, but to be honest she would leave this one guy, but they would always get back, this is the one I feared the most. There were times I would want to leave, I just couldn't, she would say don't leave me alone. Where would you go? She would ask. One time I said Uncle Bob, she said his wife, and My Aunt didn't like me anymore than her.  I never did question that. WHY? And I wouldn't go back to Mr Dad’s; he couldn't even call me not once, so I stayed.
Well it ended up where they truly went their separate ways. He called my Mom to let her know he was moving to Sauble Beach, My brother moved in with My Uncle Bob. Mom found this new guy; things were looking up for her. This was someone that took life serious, and he was madly in love with me Mom. He believed what my Mom was saying and really truly tried to help.  So this is when we moved to Calgary Alberta. We got a place settle in, never heard from any of my family at all. Not one time. They didn't even send her a Mother’s day card. She cried, she said this was Him (Mr. Dad) it was him.

Just a thought

You know I can't help but feel there is something going on in my life, something bigger than me. Why do I say this? Well my daughter left me on Mother’s day. 

I see now that she couldn't tell me the truth. I think she was afraid I would leave and she would be alone. He truly was isolating her. I see now Mr. Dad got my older sister, to help him isolate her own Mom. Someone told me Jz your older sister has always gone around putting out your fathers fires. If it was not for your older sister he would have no one.

I believe this to be true because, over thirty years later they are doing the same to me. Not one person in my family will answer the phone to me. And anyone I have talked to, (This would be before anyone wouldn't answer my call that is.)

They all say the same Jz your older sister  is going around telling us you made all this up and your dad never told you for the second time you are not his biological daughter. This is what my Mom warned me about. She told me my older sister was doing this to her with the help of Mr Dad. My Mom told me to watch my back when it comes to your older sister; her intentions with you are malice.