Silent Bully

FLASH BACKS, Memories,

What to look for, do you believe someone is trying to hurt you?

Could be someone you love, could be someone you trust.

These are flash backs to my life, they might not be in order because my memories are coming little by little. I guess this is to protect me from this horror I called family.

Family and time moved on. My brother was married and out on his own living his life, My older sister was married and out living her life. I am going to begin at the time I was getting engaged to be married. 1983 I got married in April of 1984.

What is a sociopath person? 

Like apples on a tree, bang ,bang...hitting you as they fall

• When my Mom died the day of her funeral  my Uncle Gerald took me down the hall, said if things get bad here, I could  come live with them.

• When I became engaged my Mom sister Verna came out of hiding, yes hiding because no one ever seen her even to this day she keeps her where about' s a secrete. She came out of hiding to say. I know THAT MAN will not buy you a dress so I came to take you out to get your wedding dress, I know your Mom would want this. I think she was one of my Mothers sisters that truly loved her sister my Mom.

• Uncle Dad would ask me in "private" each time he seen me, if everything was alright? He would tell me how much he too missed my Mom and that he loved her. He asked me how things were going and that this is the best place for me, with my sibling he said.

• My Aunt Ann throw me a wedding shower, when it was time to leave, she looked to my older sister and myself and said, You know one of you girls are not your dad's biological daughters.When we got into the car my older sister assured me it was not me, you are dads favorite you know that. She said it was probably the joke everyone use to say, you know our younger sister was the "milk mans daughters."

• When I made up all my thank you card for all that time and work and gift people gave me for our wedding, my older sister was to come over and give me addresses for all these people,  but she came over and told me it was not necessary.I believed in her, after all she was my big sister.She seemed to know prodical more then I.

• I didn't get a wedding gift, from Mr Dad he was to buy the wine at our wedding, I paid for that.He married Bxrb three months later, I loaned him money for his wedding honeymoon, I didn't get that back.

• The gift I got from Uncle dad, my older sister told me it was cheap and I should throw it away, or not serve them to anyone that is for sure, It was a silver plated silverware set. I liked it.

• There was this time Margret a friend of the family came to town, she sat at our table, she pointed to my brother, older sister, then younger sister,  I understand why you are all here, BUT then as she pointing to me, and said, but for the life of me I don't understand why you are here.

When I confronted my older sister with this, years later she said Jz I think you are going crazy. Margret was never here. I went to my brother after this and I asked him in this way. Brother do you remember when Margret came to town, why was her husband Paul not with her? My brothers reply, Jz she came because Paul died and she was moving out West. I have spoken to her since and she has told me the truth of who I am as well. She is very much alive, and she has remarried and is happy. 

• My Aunt Margery is that one that told me on a regular basis, she called me all the time. She would always ask me so Jz how is Bxrb and Rxg, Never Dad and Bxrd not to me anyway, but if a sister or brother walked into the room, she would look up and ask; so how is your Dad and Bxrd?I always questioned this. On her death bed she looked to me and said, Jz listen, how is Rxg and Bxrb? My older sister walked into My Aunt Margery's room, My Aunt looked to me again and said Jz listen, Txmmy how is your Dad and Bxrd? If this is not telling I don't know what is.

• There was one time my older sister and I went to see Aunt Ann, at this time my sister had two children, I loved them so so much, When we were about to leave, once again Auntie Ann said, you do know one of you girls are not your father’s daughters, my older sister ran out the door to get her youngest daughter, from running on the road, or to put them in their car seats, something like that anyway... This time I looked to my Aunt and said, yah who? Her reply to me was go ask your Uncle Bxb and your Aunt Doreen. When returning to the car I told my older sister what Ann had said. her reply, she is talking about that little sister thing again. My Aunt Ann never really liked me after that? Hmmm I wonder why, what did I ever do to her. I liked her. What did Txmmy, Sxndra and Mr Rxg say to turn everyone away? Not one person I have ever loved, liked, been apart of their lives, shared with, laughed with, cried with, not one. Not one even gave me the chance to speak my side. You know you have been touched by evil when this happens. Don't get me wrong I still carry friends that I kept away from them, or they thought something was wrong with them. I did a lot of events at different times, to please those around me.

• When my so called dad told me for a second time in my life I was not his biological daughter, mind you he really didn't have to Txmmy pretty much told me with all her private phone calls anyway. Anyway I called this Aunt, crying, her reply to me was," I know who you are!" your older sister and your Mr dad already warned us of you. You had your chance with us and you blow it. Talk about no support! Who were these people to treat me so bad. I treated each and everyone of them all with the up most respect and love, for what? Family.

• Here's an apple on the head, one time my older sister ask me to go to a Halloween dance with her, she begged me. I couldn't go because My Uncle Dad and his wife were coming over for dinner. My sister kept on begging, please please there is a girl whom will be there from her work place that was giving my sister troubles, and she claimed this girl was hitting on her husband," Please" she kept saying. My heart is to big, I truly felt like she needed me. So I called up my Uncle Dad, told him we would have to make it a different day something important came up. I turned the roast off, and we my husband and I went to this dance with my sister. When we got to the dance, my sister was with this girl all night.Having FUN.

• My husband and I were married about four years at this point, and we were having problems having children,I ask my older sister to write a reference for me. When we went to talk to the agency they called us into a room, they said one of our references truly do not like you and gave you a bad reference. Now I only gave my older sister, and my lifelong friend as a reference. When confronting my sister with this info, her reply was, it must have been my long life friend. My reply No way! I know her and I know she would never do this to me. Than my older sister said to me, it must have been Aunt DXreen Uncle Dad’s wife. She was so pissed off at you jz, about that dinner, I could see her doing this to you. Plus she works for someone that works there. I could see her talking to them. So I went along my way? Why?

ADOPTION

• After all it was my older sister that told me how to prepare for the adoption agency. She told me her friend got a child by telling the truth. She had gone in there and told them how she was abused and they felt for her so much they gave her a child.  Naive as I am I listened. I trusted her, I loved her. I went in and I told them everything. They told me, I could not have a child do to a bad reference and do to all the abuse. I would most likely be an abuser. I hated what my parents did to me. I would never in a million years ever, ever do to another human what was done to me NOT EVER!

• I never put this together until just now. All gatherings at Mr. Dads and his new wife place I noticed all her family would be invited and they came, my mother’s side was invited too. BUT my Mr. Dads family was not why? Would this be a apple too?

• I babysat for my cousin/ half brother; whenever I had a gathering my sister would bring whomever she wanted. I asked for my niece/cousin to come to an event at their place, I received a call that said no I could not bring her. How sad is that. I had to tell my little Kxren she could not come. Why? It must have truly hurt my older sister to see me with them.

• One time we were invited to a gathering at my older sisters, I asked her what I should bring, No no jz she said, just bring your own food, and don’t worry about anyone other than your family. I met up with my cousin/half brother, I asked him to come along, he asked me what he should bring, just worry about your family that is what everyone is doing, I replied. So I thought. When we got there, there were loads of people. And not one of them brought food, my older sister supplied it all. We were the only ones that brought our own food. I was so embarrassed, I wonder if my cousin/half brother remembers this. 

How do you know if a person is a  sociopath person? 

How can someone have a relationship with this kind of person? 

Why is it they make you think you are the crazy one. 

When confronting my older sister with many of the thing she did to me and my younger sister, she would reply, 

"I don't remember" jz I think you are going crazy.

I was always called greedy and selfish

I called it more protective, why?

When I was little, things were taken from me and given to them.

What stands out in my mind most are these?

•  I remember one time my older sister borrowed my staple gun, I had an engraver at the time and I engrave initials on the side of it. I did loan it to her, I just never got it back, so one afternoon I went to see my sister, her husband was there working on the deck to their pool. This goes back some time. I asked him for my staple gun, His reply was it was not mine, they do not even have mine, they had their own. Then he proceeded to showed it to me. The initials I engraved were on the stapler. I said I put the initials there, we exchanged words and I left without a stapler. Now I know you are saying who cares they are cheap, right? Well I did care; I thought it was the principle of it. I would never do that to anyone.

• Or how about one time; I went to take some leftover turkey home after a gathering. My brother in-law my older sister’s husband, Ask me what I was doing? Told me I could not take any, I said I paid for it; he laughed and said yah, yah! If it was not for my step mom (to whom I see was really the one I went to visit and her mom they treated me the way people should) if it was not for her popping up on my behalf, I don’t know what I would have done. My heart melted, I supplied the turkey from time to time, I never ask any one for a dime. If they bought the turkey I gave $20.00 to my older sister, and I always supplied the potatoes.  Two Pies on occasion. “I bet I was the only one that paid.”

Sticks and Stones

• Do you remember earlier on in my story I told you my older sister had been telling people I was a prostitute. This would have been when I was 14 years old by the way. Well I just found out this story has been going on behind my back for all these years. Everybody for years and years and years and years I mean years, has seen me this way. Think about that everyone. Mother in-laws, Father In-laws my family, friends, everyone nieces nephews, how sad. When my daughter ran at 16yrs she said to me, I know who you really are! Who? I was so naive, I had no idea what she was even talking about, so I ask her, she shook her head and left. Little did I know she was been told this lie too, that my older sister made up years ago, just to hurt my Mom "her own Mom. Ashamed to add. Who would have figured this would be haunting me many years later. I always wondered why "some people husbands" always hit on me, and we know who that is, don’t we; I guess he figured, since I used to be a "prostitute" why not. I feel so dumb.

If I were to think with my heart it would have to say. Personally I don’t think anyone should even have to write shit like this down. Who does this to people they love? 

When I went to my family to help direct our teen daughter home. She moved in with a young niece that enjoys her alcohol. My family said to me." jz this is what family does."

My older sister called me up and said, how does it feel? One of the last things she said to me was; hope you can fix what you broke jz. Her words ring in my ears, I loved her. What is wrong with me?

Murder

Hey you Hollywood producers I have a story for you,

Move over Mommy Dearest I have a story to tell, and I want the whole world to hear my voice. I am not little, just short.

Please this is coming from someone that see's and feels the affects child abuse can have on your child, woman/ man,  I am someone it happen to. I am a Child Abused and hope to be a Adult Survivor. It could be someone you know. What if it was happening to you? It is a life lasting feeling, it does not go away. I have felt worthless or maybe not as smart for a long time, it took me many of years to see myself as beautiful. I think ever person should be a princess, or a prince at that matter. They made me feel worthless and dumb.

I have talked to many family members and friends of our family and neighbor we lived next to. They all said they knew about the abuse, they know my Mom was being abused and they knew I was being abused, but know one, not even one did anything about it, just turned off the lights and went on their way. STOP PLEASE if you know someone needs you don't turn off the lights, don't just shut the door, do something now before it is too late. PLEASE Abuse is a life long pain, even after you leave the abuser. Compassion  is all I ask, please let’s put a stop to mental abuse. I have a heart, I feel, the same blood that runs through me runs through you. Let’s stop the cries.

Child abuse is a sin, that leave scares forever. 

Think about that next time you raise your hand, 

The next time you call someone a name. 

Was I in shock? is there such a thing as shock for years and years? or would this be I believed the head games. I always knew what went on in that house many of years ago was wrong.

I see I am much different from you all.

I am proud to say I am a good Mom and I love my family too.

So after being there for a few weeks, my Mother got word I was living there. She called me up and asked me why I moved there. My reply was, where was I to go Mom?  What I don't understand is why is it I didn't see her question. Why didn't I question the fact that he told me he wasn't my biological father at 12 years old? The writing was on the wall I was being told everywhere. I remember one time when living there my older sister said to me, Judy do you know why dad lets you do whatever you want? My reply, no why. My older sister's reply, so you don't leave. Once again is this not telling me?

Another time Mr. Dad needed help with his work so he decided to let me have my boyfriend Mike moved in, now I want you to know here and now we did not sleep in the same room or the same bed. He had Mike moved in so that Mr. Dad didn't have to go off to work, Mike did all the work and he got free room and board. Now this was okay at the beginning because I liked Mike, and I felt I didn't belong  and we had been dating for over a year so I thought it would be good., But I was getting to the point where I wanted to break up with Mike. There were several times I did break up with Mike but he wouldn't leave, because my Mr. dad needed help.

Now I want you to know that my mother got word that Mike had been living with us. She called me up and asked me why do I have Mike living there? Don't you know that Mr Dad is just trying to keep you there? don't you know that he is just trying to hurt me. Now if this is not a Apple hitting me in the head to tell me, he is not my father I don't know what is. Why! why did I not hear.

Time moved on, mom and I still stayed in touch with each other. I worked at the key shop so I would call her when I went to work to make sure everything was okay with her.

There was one time when Uncle Bxb came over, when he came over he went onto the back patio he called me out, he asked me was everything okay? Do I feel comfortable and if anything was ever wrong to let him know. I thought he was being a concerned Uncle.  After all he came to see me when I lived with my Mom. 

As stated above I moved in with Mr. Dad around May one month before my 16th birthday. I was never really there I was the kind of teenager that was always gone from home. Between work, friends and boyfriend I really didn't have time to be sitting around at home. Plus as I told you above I really didn't feel comfortable I still felt like an outsider looking in.

So a year had passed, my mother and I were still staying in Touch, I really did want to move back with her but she was still with Fred and I hated him with a passion. Until this one winter's day my mother called me up, telling me Mike should leave. By this point in my life I agreed. But I couldn't he kept saying your father needs me as long as he needs me I stay.

My mother called me up one day, to be honest this would've been December 10, 1981 she kept telling me she told Fred she was leaving him, she told me she wanted to start a new life with me and her, we could start over. She told me that there was something about that man she had to tell me, I was old enough to know, She asked me to come because she told Fred she was going to leave him and had all of his bags packed, she asked me to come because she said she was afraid he was going to kill her. My reply to my mother was I had to go to work. I told her I would call work to see if I could have it off. Mr. Dad said that was a bad idea and I should go to work. So I told my mother that I would go to her home after I went to work, I only had a three hour shift so it meant I would be there for her. Mr. Dad drove me to work that day. All the way there he kept repeating over and over well it wouldn't surprise me if she got killed she such a slut, she such a drunk, she's the worst mother ever, look what she did to you, look at how she hated her own daughter.

I was about two hours into my job when two police officers came to where I work. I knew something was wrong my heart, I  felt my stomach I remember the words she said to me, I felt it was my fault, I felt why  wasn't I there, I should have been there, the words that she said rang in my ears for years. They still do even loader now. Even now as I'm writing this I can't help but feel the pain of the last words my Mom spoke to me. What a dirty trick the universe played on me.

 My Mom died that day, Dec 10 1981

 

After the police left, I asked Mr. Dad what my mother meant by, there is something about that man I must tell you, I was old enough to know. Mr. Dad just kept repeating I don't know what she's talking about. She must have been talking about Fred. Like BULLSHIT. 

Thought out loud.

I can't understand for the life of me why it is my mind block this, or made me not confront it, because deep down I have always remember the word Mr. Dad said to me at twelve. Who wouldn’t? I guess it must of been my older sister convincing line. ''BUT jz you have always been Dad's favorite," Mr. Dads that is. I only remember a couple stories about Mr. Dad; He would let me ruffle through his pant pockets, whatever money I found I could keep. He let me keep change a nickel here a dime there. One time I found $10.00 I told my girls this story, he let me have that ten dollars, This is the part I did not tell my girls, later that day my Mom made me give it back. I liked when he would say a cow was a sheep and cute things like that. Not much more than this as a kid anyway. I kept the abuse away from my girls, after all who wants the downer. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me or something like that. After all that was then, why see black when you have a world of colors.

Everybody was telling me, they were banging me over the head with it. Why was my mind refusing to confront them? Is it because my Mom kept saying you are definitely a Gxrton," I can promise you one thing Judy you are definitely a Gxrton." she would say. What a dirty trick to be playing with my head,  my kindness, for all these years when I know in my heart and in my soul, Mr. dad could have told me in a more loving way, I believe my older brother must of none, and could have told me, I know in my heart my older sister knew right from the beginning.. It was my older sister that did so much bad to me. 

One time there was this girl Jill Gxnther, she came up to me and told me your older sister is evil, there is something really wrong with her, she is not just a back stabber, or someone that goes around talking about you behind your back, She makes up story and turns everyone away from you with her made up lies. She twists everything you say. She strips you of your character.

I thought well lots of girls do this. But know not like this. Not like this girl. 

Several times by many people, family members, and friends of the family, they have told me your sister is like a candy coated pill! Not really knowing what they meant then, I do now, sweet on the outside, sour on the inside? Wow how true.

As this inside story continues you will see what I mean. 

There is such a thing as someone toying with you! This is just the beginning of my nightmare. 

Will I ever wake up?

Looking back, I wish I could have none, I wish that wall that  protection me was never there. I wish I didn't believe the people I loved, and still love, but hate. 

I do apologize if it takes me time to add a new post. To be honest this is very hard on me. I just know it is something I must do. jz less stress test, I do hope this works!   

Kids don't tell, and adults feel ashamed and embarrassed of you.

I found out I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What is this? Take a look at the link about PTSD if you are not sure. I did take a look and a read, I found out a lot about me. To know what you are facing helps. I am not ignorant to anything. If I need to know, if I am experiencing it or wanting to know something, anything I will learn. 

I guess this would be me; 

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event

• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
• Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
• Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma

Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

It just so unfair, I see now that I should have seek out for help back then, maybe this would not be going on today, thirty years late. Not a day, Not a week or a month, year this is years later. Its like I have been living in a bubble.

I went to a counselor this week, it was nice when I was there, I really opened up. I don't do that much. It just not who I am. I let myself go that day. I told her what happened, those many years ago. As hard as it was. I spoke, out loud. There was this one thing I didn't like,  I told the counselor , I was and I am a good Mom, her reply was, you did the best with what you had, 

I say now here in front of the whole world, NO, You are not listening to me," I was and I am a good Mom." If I did anything right in my life this would be it, I am a Mom. A proud Mom. Our girls have always been first to me. I don't think you can abuse a child with to much love. I raised me with high morals and love, I love me, and I believe that is what I taught my girls. I believe a loving heart goes a long way. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in hope. I don't think just because you come from abuse you will be an abuser. People should watch their words. 

I am not going to her for her to analyze me or make a judgment call, I don' know maybe I am sensitive or something, but I don't need that. I am a good Mom and I know in my heart I was and I am. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS ABUSED DOES NOT MEAN THEY will become the abuser!!!!!! I hated what they did to me. I would never do that to anyone in a million years. I am going to her! That was then this is now, I am a good Mom. Why do I feel like I have to prove it? I did nothing. They did this to me. If this happens to me again I will not go back to her. I have a voice and I ill be heard, NOT JUDGED!

Back to my jz less stress test, 

I can't help but wonder when I went into shock...

I ended up breaking up with Mike, he didn't even come to my Moms funeral, he told me she was just rotting in the ground so what is the sense. Last thing I remember he broke my nose, but he finally broke up with me. Or rather should I say be finally heard my break up!  my Mom just died by the hand of a man. I hated Mike the same way I hated Fred. I though this must have been when I went into shock, maybe it was because of this sad story, I forgot about my Mom's words, my Moms sad story.

No  

I think it was this one night, I was 18years old when my Mom died, My Mom died Dec 1/1981. I was with Mxnny a new guy in my life; we started dating May 4th 1982, Five months later. He needed me. My older sister was married by now.  

I believe it to be one summer’s night at about 3a.m in the morning. It was late I know this because my Mr. Dad wife and I just came back from work, we worked nights at CKCO, TV. My younger sister was sitting at the table, listening to loud music with her earphones on, She was crying, her Mom just died. She was only 14 years old. I was woken up by a scream, I ran to the kitchen to see Bxrb grabbing and hitting my younger sister, I freaked I pushed my step Mom to the wall and said "Never to touch my youngest sister ever, ever again or..."

Mr. Dad ran out, told us this is Bxrb house and to never speak of my mom again, and to get the beep out. I think this is the day I went into shock!

Now I want you to know there has been many happy memories as well,

Now I want you to know it was not all bad living with my family, It couldn't have been, or I think I would have ran. There is a lot of good too, like family gathering, Weddings, Births, I remember each and every one of my nieces and nephew when they were born, I have each of their measurement all the way to 14, then Aunties are not the first choice to visits if you know what I mean, There was Christmas, Thanks Giving, Easter and the hunt, Birthday, and all togetherness. So you see there were many good times to. I think us sisters were sisters.  Family support is everything. Sisters, Brothers. If what you have is good hold on to it, cherish it show the world. But if you need to talk, or you know someone that needs a hand, help them out. Family is everything, a step into the past and a hand into the future.

And I too, know there is two sides to a story. And I don't care if anyone thinks I am making this up, what I am about to share with you. One thing that was said to me by Mr. Dad, who told Mxnny and he told me again, and I believe my oldest daughter was told this about her Mom as well," Jz makes up stories and starts to believe in them."Jz has always wanted people to feel sorry for her.  Who in their right mind would want to make up such a horrific story? This is ugly and shameful and deceiving, I am embarrassed.}I don't think I will ever be looked at the same ever, why? Or ever see you the same or anything at that matter. Trust is everything, TRUST! It was as if Mr. Dad knew I was coming out of shock. {he said this to everyone just as I starting to come out of shock, before my memories started coming back day by day} If you are reading this you are more than welcome to come to your defense, only you Mr Dad and my older sister can clear this up. You put me here. Show the world I am a liar. Show the world jz makes up stories to try to get people to feel sorry for her; I make up stories and start believing in them.

I have just begun my journey to a better tomorrow. I tell you what.  I will pay you to do the DNA test. This way you can, show the world Jz is making up stories. And I will stop writing my "stories" our lives to the world. You put me here and this little voice just keeps getting LOUDER! I will wash myself of your hate. This is jz less stress test. I am not afraid to tell the world anymore.I have a voice. This is not my shame, this is your shame. Shame on you. Than to tell me I am shaming the family.

Words our Mother spoke to me;

We cannot go back in time, but we can always make it right.

My less stress test; A thought

There is something I would like to share, even after all this I still see that Mr Dad as my dad, There  is only a couple things that bother me to this day.

• Tell Bxrb how your mother use to beat you, tell her how your own Mother tried ti kill you, how she hated her own daughter.
• Your Mom was nothing but a slut, 
• Your mom died over a case of beer.
• Why it was Mr. Dad went to court on behalf of my Mom? But I was a key witness and I wasn't even asked to go to court? I am looking into this now. If anyone can help, please let me know.
• I see what this man did to my Mom those many years ago; I see what he did to me. But I also see he didn't have to take me in. 
• I see as time went on Mr. dad was not the thorn in my butt, who was?

Alcohol

Alcohol Abuse in teens

Alcohol Abuse in teens

Thing were not always good as stated before I had the run of my own life {at the age 12 to 16years} my Mom was there, but there too were times the alcohol took over. I too was slipping as most teens do, but I had to do it on my own, I tried alcohol, it made me feel good most of the time. Don't get me wrong I did not do it that much, only when I was with friends. Mainly on the weekends. Living in a home where you see a lot of drinker come and go, you see a lot. I have maybe seen too much. But this is what made me scared of drinking too much. So I tried to manage it to a point that I still knew what I was doing. I seen a man die at our table because he got to drunk and was vomiting and then gone. No one could help everyone was to drunk, I was too late, sad. But it was things like this that helped me. What made me stop was one time a friends of a friend and me went out, afterwards they took us to their place, I had a drink that is all I remember of that day. The next day I found myself half dressed on the door way of a friend’s apartment. To this day I believe they drugged me. I took a drink since, after that BUT I never put my drinks down NOT EVER. And I came with my own drink. I would never ever get drunk after that, I was too afraid. I would go into the washroom and put water in my drink, no one even noticed. And I was still cool to them. But I was aware, that if I did not take care of myself, no one would. I was truly on my own. I seen there was danger out there.

Now I'm sure by now you have noticed that there has been a lot that has gone on in my life, and there is much more but it would take forever to tell you each incident that happen. The only good that happened out of all that happened in my life was that my mother and I got closer together. 

As time moved on, and the drinking continued not by me but by my mother and her friends, life didn't change for me too much. Until this one night I was 15 years old  two months before my 16th birthday. This is the night the system got involved. This is the night the man that I hated most, the man that lived with my mother, came to my room late at night with a knife at my throat, this man decided he was going to rape me. But myself I was too strong a wiggly and very angry, I pushed him and kicked him and through him against the wall, I was in my pajamas I left my room I ran down the stairs and out the front door, we lived on Weber Street..There was a police officer driving down the road. And I know this police officer was just trying to help, and he did help.
It went to court, Fred this was the man that tried to rape me with a knife at my throat. Well I know that what he did was wrong, and I know what the system was doing was just trying to help me, but Fred got nothing I think he got a fine. But me I was moved into Madison house. Now I'm not sure if you know what Madison houses is. But from what I seen it was for teens, troubled teens, there were teens there that ran away and were caught stealing that could live at home because they couldn't follow rules. There is one girl there that ran away all the time they took away everything of hers even her clothing. Now I don't know about you but this was very very, very scary to me. I couldn't help but question myself why is it this man does this to me and I'm the one locked up. I didn't see it as because he was still living with my mother I just seen it as I was the one being punished.

Just a thought

 I see now they were really truly trying to help me,  I couldn't see it then because all I seen was the fear. 

So here I am in Madison house,, Fred is living with my mother, my father is nowhere in sight, for who I think is my father, sort of I guess, so I decided to call my Uncle Bxb. I called him because I really, really hated it there, this place scared me. I didn't call my Mr. Dad.I don't even think I had his phone number. I know that he moved back to Kitchener but I didn't have his phone number,

I just remembered why it was I couldn't say how I knew Mr Dad and family were back in Kitchener.

I came home from school one day, when arriving home my Mom was furious, banging pots and pans slamming door. I ask my Mom why she was so upset. Her reply, your brother and his girl friend are trying to get you taken away from me. Your older sister is going around telling everyone you are a prostitute, and you dance tables. Why would your older sister want to hurt me this way? My Mother said, it couldn't be just that man getting everyone to hate her, no he would turn my own daughter against me." I guess him taking everyone away from me was not enough?" She just kept on repeating over and over again, why would my own daughter want to stab me in the back this way? Why? I remember the tears. I seen her pain and I was just too young to see it.

These words my old "sister" said years ago have since come back to haunt me by many, like from my husband’s family, a friend of my husband that tried to break us up several times while we were dating. These words have taunted me, all these people thought this of me for all these years. Can you imagine what I am feeling?  How can someone be so mean to kill off someone’s dignity? To think these people thought this of me, sickens me.

I feel like I have been asleep for thirty years and what happened to me years ago are haunting me.

Move over Mommy dearest, daddy and sister have you beat.  

STICKS AND STONES CAN BREAK YOUR BONES, AND NAMES WILL ALWAYS STAY, they never leave ever!

Uncle Bxb did come and pick me up. I asked Uncle Bxb if I could move in with them, I didn't think this would be a problem because they had my brother lived with them once upon a time ago. But my Uncle said that it would be too hard on my Aunt. She was running into troubles with her own children is what he told me. He told me he knew where Mr. Dad lived and he would drop me off there. This is when my true nightmare began, I just didn't see it.
I remember feeling comfortable there after all, I had my older sister, my younger sister, to be honest I can't tell you if my older brother lived there are not. Mr. Dad was living with his live-in girlfriend Bxrb, and Bxrb had a daughter of her own, so I guess she's my stepsister. I settled in. But you know what, that feeling I had when I was a kid, you know the one where when I lived with my parents before they separated the one where I felt like I was on the outside looking in, it came back, the same feelings I felt years and years ago. They were back.

Seems to me life is not always fare. I think we must start to hear the child's cry.

Children never tell. I didn't. Now look where I am now. Sitting in front of my computer writing it all down so I can make some sense of it all. So I can make a less stress test site. So I can say I am a adult survivor. I want to just feel like what I am going through and facing in my life will touch someone. I want to be me again.

With the way I have been feeling sad lately, and I am getting pins and needles, having bad dreams and less sleep and very whipped out.

Vitamin that help with stress

SO I WENT TO THE VITAMIN STORE

I am not a doctor and I do not clam to be, if you or someone you know that might be going through this type of stress,

This is helping me; it might help you/them too.

People say I should be on antidepressants, I say don't I have the right to cry?

People say I am feeling sorry for myself, I say don't I have the right to feel sorry for myself? Do I not have the right to morn? I have been in shock, trauma, I just found out the people I loved were toying with me, over and over again.

  What has help me through a lot of this awakening is vitamins.

I take-

2 Omega 3's

2 vitamin D's

1 5000 B12

1 Maltese B

6 tums

My stress release, the thing that helps me the most is:

To show me, to show them I will move on. jz in me  I am more than what they perceived me to be.

I do not get the pins and needles anymore, or the dizzy feelings.

Why couldn't I see? Why?